Kiss Hunger Goodbye... Happy Valentine's Day Sweetpea!

As most of you know by now, my dear wife Lori was all about giving to those less fortunate... at the drop of a hat she would give her time, her heart, and her hard-earned cash to help out those in need.

Today, on Valentine's Day, and in honor of Lori's incredibly giving spirit, we've decided to carry on those acts of kindness by donating to both heifer.org, and kiva.org in Lori's name.

You have all done an amazing job in supporting me and my family during this trying time, but I hope you will consider making a small donation as well... it doesn't have to be much, because every little bit helps.

And Lori, my sweet––I love you more than life itself.

I could never possibly convey how much your love and presence has changed my life. You are in my thoughts every waking moment, helping me through the long struggle of my days, comforting me in my darkest hours, and easing me to sleep at night with the gentle embrace of your love.

Take care my beloved, until we meet again... certainly in a life hereafter, possibly sooner in my dreams.

Happy Valentine's Day, Baby!

Your loving man,

––Jellybean

White Orchids Off Maui, A Whale's Tail, And Sunrise Over The Volcano

Hello friends,

I thought you'd all enjoy the following e-mail I got from Nadine Semerau, who was kind enough to spread some gorgeous white orchids in the waters off of Maui, in memory of our beautiful Lori.
~~~~~~~~~

Dear Cary,

The sunrise paddle was breathtaking this morning.



When we reached a spot when the sun was high enough over Haleakala so the flowers could be seen, each paddler in the canoe (there were six of us) took a handful of the burgundy and white orchids and one person at a time tossed them into the water saying “This is for Lori.”



The current was moving towards the sunrise so we had thought the flowers would go that direction, but they came back to the boat and then formed a line in front of us. It was beautiful.



After a few minutes, we started to paddle again when suddenly a whale in the distance put up her huge tail and went into the water. It was just as if Lori had planned it that way.



This was the sunrise at the end of our paddle, one of the more beautiful sunrises I have seen while living in Hawaii.



You were both in our thoughts and prayers today.

Sincerely,

Nadine Semerau

www.waileapaddlers.com

Join The "Flowers For Lori" Memorial Group On Flickr!

Hi everybody,

For those of you who are interested, we now have an official Flowers For Lori group on flickr, where people across the globe can come together to share their impromptu "floral memorials" for Lori.

I hope all of you fellow flickrites will join in... and maybe even a few non-flickrites will decide to get in on the fun––flickr is free, so no reason not to join!

And make sure you check out the cool Group Map, so you can follow Lori's legacy around the world... don't forget to click the pink buttons on the map.

It is my hope that this lovely new group will be active for years to come. I certainly plan on placing flower memorials for my dear wife whenever I get the chance, and in all corners of the globe.

All the best,
C.

We Love You Lori!

Flowers For Lori, A Meditating Mutt, And A Pair Of Angel's Wings

Some people are simply too kind...

I was recently in an e-mail conversation with Amy Scher, who blogs at Healthcare Hacks (and is currently in India receiving Embryonic Stem Cell treatment for her own chronic illness,) when I mentioned that India was one of the next places that Lori & I had hoped to travel to.

Not missing a beat, Amy offered to pick some flowers for Lori and place them in a lovely spot in Hauz Khas village in New Delhi, as a sort of impromptu memorial. I told her Lori's favorite colors (burgundy, reds, and purples,) and a day later she sent back these wonderful photos.

As Amy so graciously put it "You and Lori are both in my heart -- so you can never say you didn't go to India together."

Thank you so much Amy... you absolutely made my week.

The appearance of the meditating mutt, not to mention the "angel's wings" in the clouds, pretty much guarantees that Lori was there in spirit. We love you Lori!

Welcoming In The New Year, And Taking A Short Break

Hi Friends: without going into a long, drawn-out explanation right here (you can see the post I wrote last night on my personal blog for more details,) I am feeling a need to take a break from my dear wife's Memorial Project...

This isn't something that comes easy to me, but the reality is that the depth of my despair over the loss of My One True Love is currently so powerful that I can not bear to torture myself with the wonderful memories I have of our past.

While some day (possibly even soon,) I hope to reach a personal space where my wife's legacy leaves me feelings of nothing but Love & Grace, right now, my emotions are so raw that the process is tearing me apart.

This past Sunday, in my darkest hour I reached out for some guidance, and amazingly it was there (see this post for more.) So, beginning next week I will be attending a 14-week Workshop aimed at Completing Grief–––as I understand it, it's basically a goal-oriented step-by-step approach to processing the full extent of your pain and loss during bereavement.

Thank God for small miracles... I need someone to hold my hand through this one, and the incredible woman I would normally turn to in such a grave situation is the very one who is physically missing form my life.

Lori left me an amazing Legacy of Love, and I plan on fully living up to that legacy by learning to both honor her incredible and irreplaceable presence in my life, and simultaneously striving to move beyond the pain of loss and back out into the light of her love.

Wishing You All A Happy New year,
God Bless,
Cary

Day 19: Things I'll Never Forget About Lori

Her Gorgeous Green Eyes...

If I had a magical photograph that could somehow capture the sparkling depth of my dear wife's eyes I would gladly share it with you. But alas I don't.

Luckily for me, the image is forever embedded in my memory, right next to the delicate sound of her voice, the divine scent of her skin, and the sublime softness of her hands upon mine.

Lori's gorgeous green eyes lit up my life in a way I have yet to completely comprehend. They peered deep into my soul, and much to my surprise, they liked what they saw.

Loved it in fact.

I don't know why I deserved such luck, but I am glad to have been the recipient of such a perfect, and unending love.

Across the dimensions of time and space, life and death, love and loss... I can still see the spark of Lori's eyes, and it still warms the very depths of my heart.

I love you , sweetpea.

Day 18: Things I'll Never Forget About Lori

Swimming With Dolphins!

As we planned for our One Year Anniversary on the Big Island of Hawaii, there was one thing Lori knew for sure––she wanted to swim with dolphins.

Because of her illness, we had no idea whether we would get another chance to do this in the future, so instead of risking one of the many "guided dolphin boats" in Hawaii (these are the good folks who take you out on a boat in the hopes of finding a pod of dolphins to swim with––but with no guarantees!) we chose the safer route: a dolphin encounter at the Hilton Waikoloa.

No, it wasn't very politically correct––the dolphins are in captivity after all––but having just survived her first year of hard chemo, it was important to both of us that Lori get exactly what she wanted and deserved... some quality time with a sweet dolphin.

The Hilton didn't let us down.

While these dolphins may indeed be in captivity (heck, bottlenose dolphins don't even naturally visit the waters around Hawaii,) upon checking into our room, and wandering down to the dolphin area, we were relieved to find the animals full of life, playing in their huge underwater lagoon, and looking healthy and strong.

There was even a mother giving birth.

Now, this wasn't a cheap experience (I think we paid $150 each for the privilege,) but when the big day came (yep, you have to make reservations at least weeks in advance, and more likely even months,) we weren't let down.

Our dolphin––a young and rambunctious little guy named Liko––brought tears to our eyes, had us laughing like children, and generally showed us a great time.

We got to swim with him (sort of!) play with him, feel his wonderfully warm skin, and even kiss him on the snout. He in turn showed off his prowess at "standing" on his tail, dashing across the lagoon at blinding speeds, and doing all sorts of other tricks.

Oh yeah, and we got to hand-feed him fish, to thank him for his hard work.

The small amount of time we spent with our friend Liko meant more to us than you could ever guess––over the four years that followed, his name came up more often than you'd guess, and the photos we had taken with Liko are still some of our dearest treasures (I'll share more of them with you at a later date.)

Lori felt absolutely transcendent that day.

And to this day I feel blessed to have played even a small role in making that long-held dream of hers come true.

Lori, if you're reading this, you made so many of my own dreams come true... arranging for you to swim with Liko was the least that I could do.

I only wish I could have done more.

Day 17: Things I'll Never Forget About Lori

Her Amazing Sense Of Humor: Exhibit B

On one of the last nights of our Honeymoon in Maui Lori and I attended our first-ever Luau.

While many of these events are known to be pretty cheesy, we had a really incredible time... of course, we were madly in love, just married a week before, and not only was the setting gorgeous, but the drinks were pretty strong to boot!

The show itself was fantastic, with music and dances from all over Polynesia, and besides the half-naked Fijian dancing girls, the best part of the show was probably the Fire Dancer.

If you've ever seen one of these guys do his thing---tossing those flaming clubs around without ever breaking a sweat---than you know what I mean.

The food, too was fantastic––kalua pork, salmon, roasted taro, the whole shebang.

Of course, Lori's sense of humor was in full swing (as it usually was,) and before the dancers and other performers could get away at the end of the night, she insisted that I get my picture taken with the "Coconut Girls," as we jokingly referred to them, and of course she would get her picture taken with the "Fire Dancer."

Now, if you don't know me well, you're probably not aware that I'm incredibly shy, but hey, it was all in fun, and Lori had a good time teasing me until I finally agreed to pose with the two cute dancing girls with their tiny coconut bras.

Lori's amazing, and all-pervading sense of humor is something that I miss every day as I get used to living my life without her by my side... photos like these have turned so bitter sweet, and while it is fun to remember these wonderful, silly times, it also breaks my heart with each word I write.

I miss you, baby...

Day 16: Things I'll Never Forget About Lori

Her Cute Little Toes!

Lori always said she was the luckiest wife in the world... not just because she'd found a loving, studly husband ;) but because I loved to massage her feet and toes while she stretched out on the couch at the end of the day.

I knew her legs and feet hurt from the chemo, and I knew that anything I could do to help relieve her stress and anxiety would always be much appreciated---but mostly I just loved to be close to her whenever possible, and a foot rub was a very good excuse to do just that.

This photo was taken in the San Francisco International Airport (SFO,) while Lori and I and the other six maniacs we were traveling with were waiting for our plane to Japan, in the Spring of 2004.

Having been on hard chemo for just over a year at this point, Lori took every chance she got to catch a few Zzzzz's, as they say.

I love the way she managed to fit right under the armrests... I think she slept like that for at least an hour.

Anyways, Lori always kept her toes painted pretty---usually purple or maroon---and she was the envy of the Chemo Suite, because I would attend her treatments with her whenever possible (probably a good 95% of the time,) and I'd rub her feet and toes while she received her drugs.

Lori had the cutest little toes, and I miss them terribly now, along with just about every other part of her.

I carry her in my heart now, where I can keep a close eye on her, and make sure she's always OK, but I haven't found a way to keep rubbing her toes...

Maybe in my dreams.

Day 15: Things I'll Never Forget About Lori

Driving The Road To Hana

Anyone who's ever been to Maui knows about the famous "Road to Hana."

It's a long, almost unbelievably lush drive from the dry side of the island (where the big resorts are––we were staying at the Marriott for our Honeymoon,) over to the beautiful wet side of the island and the tiny town of Hana.

For some reason we put off doing the drive until the end of our trip (I suppose we were too busy having fun on the beach, and snuggling in our room,) and on the day we actually made the drive it was raining all over Maui.

Of course, the rain didn't make a damned bit of difference, seeing as how we were driving through rainforest anyway, and the rain that was coming down was warm and luscious.

We must have stopped at some 15 waterfalls along the drive---always stopping to take a picture---and they were all raging in torrents due to the rain.

The road to Hana is also known for its amazing number of bridges, and we stopped at most of these as well... Lori has always been in love with old bridges, and we took our time exploring these beauties as we made the long slow trek to Hana.

In Hana we saw the famous black sand beach, and took some photos of the graveyard there, and a funny cow that was chained up in a vacant lot right by the ocean. We walked along the ragged cliffs, and held hands, and did all kinds of exploring.

Since we were driving a Jeep 4x4 (a tradition we started on our honeymoon, and kept up EVERY time we visited Hawaii,) we decided to skip the warnings about washed out roads and such, and finished the drive by continuing to circumnavigate the island (HIGHLY UNRECOMMENDED BY THE RENTAL COMPANIES.)

The road was certainly a bit washed out in places, and we did a few minor river and creek crossings, but over all it was no big problem.

That sparsely inhabited back side of the island was a pleasure to drive through, and though we didn't know it then, as we drove along that coast we spent hours staring across the straight to the North Tip of The Big Island, where we would ultimately take three wonderful trips to Whale Crossing.

In fact later, whenever we visited Whale Crossing, we would stare back across that straight and reminisce about that wonderfully romantic day we circumnavigated Maui on our Honeymoon.

Unfortunately, due to the diagnosis of cancer that would come just a month later, those days on Maui were some of the few that Lori and I got to spend as true "Newlyweds."

Never before, and never again, would either of us be that completely happy, innocent, and filled with the possibilities of what our lives might hold.

It is a time I will cherish for as long as I exist, and into the hereafter as well.

In the five amazing years that we were married we did, however, learn to love each more passionately and deeply than either of us could have imagined in even those heady days of our Honeymoon.

I love you and miss you with all my heart, sweetpea.