The Low Down Has Got Me on The Throw Down
So this is how my story goes. I get married, and 7-months later I am diagnosed with Adenocarcinoma, stage-IV. That means "Oh Shit...can't live with chemo, can't live with out it!" Devastating news to newlyweds who were once dreaming of babies. According to my gynecologist, my ovaries have shut down and I am now a 29-year-old menopausal, depressed, angry, out of control, young-but-feeling-old-as-hell woman.I have a brother who suffers from a mental illness... in actuality, we both suffer from his illness.
I am his only support, so I worry if something happens to me, what will become of him?
I have been on a downward spiral for months now. I refused to help myself . I suppose it was pride. I did not want to ask for any money from any one. My most gracious In-Laws have helped so much already. How could I ask for anymore support?
I fell hard Sunday evening. With the support of my loving husband "I checked myself in." I had to, because I was having thoughts of "permanently checking myself out."
So there it is ... I worry now. Will my friends ever look at me the same?
This is the truth, and they say the truth shall set you free. Now if that's true, everything will be all right...Right?
posted by LORI at 11:07 PM -perma link-
7 Comments:
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SethLLombardy said...
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- 1:41 AM
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Krissy said...
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- 7:05 AM
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Cary said...
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- 1:56 PM
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Tris Hussey said...
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- 4:04 PM
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Toby said...
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- 4:37 PM
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Steve Ganz said...
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- 1:07 PM
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gaela said...
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- 10:06 PM
Post a CommentI was sitting here in my rather nice quarters in the middle of a junkyard next to the hydroelectric plant at Iskandariyah and I was weaving in and out of trying to come up with a technique for teaching the 8 Troop Leading Procedures to a bunch of illiterate Iraqi men who really don't have much of anything. I teach this to American soldiers and they have trouble with it. It is a continuous process that truly never ends. No big deal, I just call on my friend "The Rock Drill". The rock, a stone, can be applied to teaching some of the most complex aspects of human interaction, team-building, and even personal development. Yesterday, I had my first experiences with the Iraqi Army. I went outside with my fellow counterparts and watched another individual do what he does in respect to instructing and watched some of my fellow ODE personnel cover down and and find variants to deal with the Iraqi soldiers. I had my platoon sit down. Then I played Simon says (a form of follow-me with hand gestures). Then, starting with the first man in the first rank, I tapped his helmet with a rock and passed it to him. I gestured for him to do it to te man next to him and so on until it had reached the very last man. Finally, I went around and fixed buttons being unbuttoned and so on. Simple things. These simple things can mean the difference between being squared-away and not. When you have nothing left to do- you take te time to do these things as maintenance. When you have people who you are to lead, you take the time to teach them these things. You, Lori Miller, at one time, took your time to do these things for me. Even though I had no excuse for my behaviour, you looked past it and helped me anyways. I want you to pick up a rock and start thinking of ways to make things work. I believe in you and you must remember, these things are not always in your control. You just have to know the difference. When you can't differentiate anymore, pick up the rock. If someone bothers you about it, fuckin' hit 'em with it. Love, Seth.
If there is anything I have learned traveling the great internet highway, it's that adults run into situations where they lose their shit all the time. The difference between people I respect and admire and the people I snort derisively at are the people who will get help and work through things, and the people that won't.
I can't imagine a single person who felt they could reasonably take issue with the way you are handling your life and the crap you're slogging through. If you run into people who think they know, smack them. They don't. I don't. Nobody does. Not even the people who love you the most really understand what it's like to live in your head.
I can think of a thousand legitimate reasons you have to want to check out of the game. Speaking for myself, I couldn't begin to judge you for that.
As for checking yourself in, it may feel cowardly or like you are running away, but what you did is actually the stronger option. You got help. You screamed and held your hand out. It speaks to a tremendous internal fortitude and a sincere desire to make it better. And it's much harder to do than to swallow a bunch of pills.
Anyway, you're great. You're admirable. How we behave when we're most desperate says the most about the sort of people we are. In your desperate moment, you've done the smartest possible thing.
If you can, be proud of yourself for it. If you can't, I will.
When you have time I'd love to hear about your brother. Maybe the fabulous internet will be able to think of a way to help. To hook you up with someone who can ease some of the strain, maybe.
Hang in there. We're listening.
My Sweetpea,
You are everything a man could ask for, and I'm incredibly lucky to have found you. I will always be here to hold you up when you feel like just collapsing.
You are my angel.
You are my dream come true.
As one who has watched a loved one succumb to cancer (my father), and have and still am battling my own daemons ...
Draw strength in knowing that you are not alone in your struggles, either of them. You choices are tough, but brave. Challenging, but the true course. Your strength and words help all.
Lori, I promise you, your friends in all worlds..in-person and online..will only think more of you for your courage. Never less. My sister went thru something similar. The support she recieved from her community was a comfort to her and to our family,
Since I can't stop by with a plate of brownies for you and Cary, thru our "virtual community", I am sending you heartful thoughts and prayers and some virtual chocolate :-)
Lori, I am behind you all the way. I believe that the most courageous thing a person can do is ask for help.
Thank you for sharing your life with us. It is raw and real and beautiful and inspiring and gives me strength.
I am here.
i've spent quite a few minutes trying to formulate some good and heartfelt words to tell you how impressed i am with you. but damnit if i can't seem to find the right words. just know that i am very happy you are still here. please don't go. thank you for finding a few strands of good to hold onto.
a side note: interestingly, i am close enough to bring brownies.
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