I wish , I wish, I wish
I have been feeling melancholy all day today. Some days I am fine and I go thru my day hardley thinking about my disease. Some mornings I have trouble making it out from underneath my bed covers. It is just the worst. Depression, it gets in the way of everything I want to do. Yes I take medicine for it but something is not right. Are the antidepressants I have been taking no longer affective? Is it time for something new? Something got to give. I have began to lie to the people in my life... when they ask me how I am doing, I answer things could be worse but I am hanging in there."
I am being robbed of so many things. My husband is being robbed of so many things. I have thought these thoughts to myself before but never have I anounced them thru writing. I wish , I wish, it would just go away! The pain from chemotherapy followed by the pain of depression. I want Lori back. Or will she ever be back? Will this experience change me forever. I know it will certainly change me but I must make it for the better.
I have had these plans , big plans, but this depression is a son of a bitch! I want to go out and get things done but my motivation seems to fluctuate like gas prices. Take it one day at a time. I must keep telling myself that. As to not be to hard on myself I have been showing spurts of enthusiasm here and there. I have beeen making a concerted effort to try and make more of a presence in the "groups." There is just this one major step I must take, and it must be made soon. Maybe once I accomplish this one step everything else will easily fall into place.
I could do this, I know I can. Sorry this post has turned into a pep talk to myself.
There is something that I have procrastinated on and the longer the I put off the worse I feel about it. It such a easy thing to do but excuses, excuses.
This is for Scott Randolph and all the other triathletes who were at one time strangers in our lives. Despite the distance between us and Oh yes, the fact that we were virtual strangers , Scott, found our story somewhere and decided to run, swim, and bike for the cause. They raised money for The American Cancer Society, as well as an uncle of one of the team members (who was diagnosed with cancer) and they donated some money to Cary and myself.
Talk about some angels! I wonder if they truly understand the affect that their action has made upon my life. Thank you are just words that are to small to express my gratitude towards their generosity. They say actions speak louder than words... so its time for me to take my action and give back to those in need. FYI Scott, not only did you encourage me to give back and support those in need but you also have encouraged my husband and I to get back into shape! Yes we are beginning a new diet and exercise regimen. It is hard for some to believe that I have gained so much weight these last few months, but there are drugs that will indeed persuade you to eat and eat.
All right enough for this evening. Coming soon is our 3rd wedding anniversary! Yeah, can't wait. Must post some pictures on flickr.
post at you later
I am being robbed of so many things. My husband is being robbed of so many things. I have thought these thoughts to myself before but never have I anounced them thru writing. I wish , I wish, it would just go away! The pain from chemotherapy followed by the pain of depression. I want Lori back. Or will she ever be back? Will this experience change me forever. I know it will certainly change me but I must make it for the better.
I have had these plans , big plans, but this depression is a son of a bitch! I want to go out and get things done but my motivation seems to fluctuate like gas prices. Take it one day at a time. I must keep telling myself that. As to not be to hard on myself I have been showing spurts of enthusiasm here and there. I have beeen making a concerted effort to try and make more of a presence in the "groups." There is just this one major step I must take, and it must be made soon. Maybe once I accomplish this one step everything else will easily fall into place.
I could do this, I know I can. Sorry this post has turned into a pep talk to myself.
There is something that I have procrastinated on and the longer the I put off the worse I feel about it. It such a easy thing to do but excuses, excuses.
This is for Scott Randolph and all the other triathletes who were at one time strangers in our lives. Despite the distance between us and Oh yes, the fact that we were virtual strangers , Scott, found our story somewhere and decided to run, swim, and bike for the cause. They raised money for The American Cancer Society, as well as an uncle of one of the team members (who was diagnosed with cancer) and they donated some money to Cary and myself.
Talk about some angels! I wonder if they truly understand the affect that their action has made upon my life. Thank you are just words that are to small to express my gratitude towards their generosity. They say actions speak louder than words... so its time for me to take my action and give back to those in need. FYI Scott, not only did you encourage me to give back and support those in need but you also have encouraged my husband and I to get back into shape! Yes we are beginning a new diet and exercise regimen. It is hard for some to believe that I have gained so much weight these last few months, but there are drugs that will indeed persuade you to eat and eat.
All right enough for this evening. Coming soon is our 3rd wedding anniversary! Yeah, can't wait. Must post some pictures on flickr.
post at you later
posted by LORI at 8:25 PM -perma link-
6 Comments:
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Sunnyside said...
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- 6:05 AM
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Cary said...
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- 12:28 PM
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Joi said...
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- 11:32 AM
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Aeryn said...
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- 3:26 PM
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gaela said...
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- 9:12 PM
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Tris Hussey said...
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- 10:27 AM
Post a CommentLori,
Even though I am not in your shoes, I wear a pair that are so very similiar! And yes, the depression that comes with all this is horrible. The ups and downs are enough to drive a person crazy. And enough to drive those around us crazy as well.
I have been following your blog now for months and you ARE hanging in there. You are still communicating with the world and you are still able to put your thoughts in writing and those two items are so very important when you are going through all that you have and still are.
You have given me inspiration on numerous occassions as I too go through this. With the words that you have spoken, I know that even though there are bad days, some being very bad days, that other days are and will be better.
And by all means, if you are wondering if you should switch meds to help you through, be sure to check it out with the doc. They seem to have so many choices to choose from these days.
I hope this comment makes sense. I am still so wired from the mega dose of steroids with my Taxol treatment Monday, that writing has become a real challenge!
My heart and thoughts and prayers go out to you. Along with warm hugzzzz to wrap around you when you are feeling low.
Mary
Sweet-pea...I would go through it all over and over again, as long as I could do it with you :)
Tomorrow's the big day, eh?
Three years...woohoo!
I LOVE YOU!
Lori, first of all - congratulations on your anniversary! I'm a sucker for great love stories, and you two are a beautiful one.
As for the "finding Lori" - she's there, she's just having to endure the unspeakable, fight the unthinkable, and live the unimaginable.
Not only have you had to fight a battle that wasn't meant for mere mortals, but you've been doing it for so long.
I've often wondered how in the world you find the strength to fight - I'd be willing to bet that one of the answers is about to turn 3.
There are so many people in your corner and we're packing all the karma, kismet, thoughts and prayers that'll fit in our hearts.
The disease and depression had better just pack their damn bags!
I COMPLETELY understand how you feel, I've been there! lol I was just recently taken off of my anti-depressants. Sometimes I wonder if that was such a god idea. lolol Just tell your doctor that they aren't working as well and he can switch you to another one or up the doseage of the one you are on.
What helps me whenever I feel depressed is to write it out. Express it in some way to help release it. I wrote it out in poems. Very very depressing poems. lol In fact, one of them is titled "I Wish".
Just remember, you WILL come out the other end of this and you WILL be you. A stronger you. :-) Now, slap on that amazing smile that you have and just remember that no matter what, you are not alone. Never ever alone!
Congrats on 3 years! Woo hoo!
Hi!
Joi and Aeryn's comments were so perfect it is hard to follow in their footsteps, but I will try.
Lori, I appreciate that you are putting your aggravations and pain into words. I feel like you shouldn't have to lie about the way you feel. Strength isn't about silence (even though we're taught to feel that it is). We want to carry you when you are weak and ride your wings when you are flying.
Also, I am truly amazed about all the plans for greatness, and want to see them come to fruition! You are so AWESOME! How do you do it?!?
Be good to you, and know, like Joi said, we are in your corner.
Hi Lori ... yes do talk with your doctor about your meds. I thought I was doing great and asked to reduce mine, then the stress of the world just overwhelmed how much the drugs can help and I'm back up.
But by monitoring your own feelings you're doing great! That's a very important thing.
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