Sore Subject

The results from my Ct Scan are in and they read something like this. Blah, blah, blah, in lung image, one lesion increased in size from 1 cm to 1.2cm and multiple masses in liver Have Not significantly changed in comparison to my prior CT Scan. Once again I find myself emotionally confused. Great, I mean I am happy that my cancer has not grown. Well except for that one cell thats off and doing its own thing. As I have wrote before when does the shrinkage start happening? I am just having a hard time dealing with this. It seems to be getting worse and worse for me emotionally.

As for the new treatment it is called navelbine. It is an older drug. The side efffects include nausea, dizziness, and extreme freakin' pain. My muscles and joints are sore and hurt like hell. I fell like I am stuck in a 70 year old body. When I rise from the bed, couch, or anywhere I maybe resting I wish I had one of those walkers for support. Then once I have made it to my feet I walk like a snail, every step cramping me. Eventually the pain begins to subside after I have moved around for a while, but it never leaves completely. Well hey, thats what those pain killers are for right?

I am not liking my attitude right now. I feel very negative and I hate to write when I am this way. Though this is my blog and I can cry if I want to, cry if I want to- you would cry to if this was happening to you. I have been avoiding writing as to try to prevent bringing other people down, but this comes with the territory. Cancer is ugly in so many ways. I would be lying and putting on a show if I wrote how cancer has blessed my life, changing me for the better. I have felt this way before and I am sure to feel this way again. As for now I will quit with the whinning and look to the future for sunnier days and happier thoughts.