This is so, so draining.

Quite a bit has happened since my last post so instead of writing one long post I think I will chop it up in smaller portions, just to make it easier on myself. Also, I will try and explain myself as best as I can but be warned I am on some heavy pain killers and just between meself and u and never really learnted my grammar all to good. ; )

My premeds (decadron) are finally wearing off. Decadron can make a person (this one especially) suffer from insomnia. This typically only happens on the day of treatment. For example my last dose kept me awake for about 35 hours and that was even after taking sedatives and benadryl, so its actually a great sign that I feeling a little sleepy by 3:00 a.m.

So to try and catch you up... I am no longer taking Tarceva, at least not now. It seems that I fell victim to most all of the possible side effects of this drug. From what I understood it was supposed to be slightly easier than chemo but it wasn't working out that way for me. I had the typical rash, dry, burning, itchy, acne all over the chest face inside of ears and even scalp. By the second week it even began to appear on my back. The rash was a bit like the chicken pocks. The acne was mostly small pustules but there was also the occasional big huge under the surface of the skin don't even get near it with a ten foot pole kind. It was yuck, yuck, nasty. Then of course I had the diarrhea but I also had vomiting and finally lots of fatigue. Maybe the fatigue was because of the two intestinal issues. So there I was seemingly suffering from my symptoms more often than I would from taking chemo. Typically after chemo I would suffer from any vomiting/diarrhea at the most 2-4 days after treatment but with the Tarceva I was having spells every couple of days and of course the rash/acne just was only getting worse. I have heard from many that the rash will begin to come and go, almost every two weeks or so though never fully subsiding. Not sure about the other side effects. My main reason for discontinuing the drug was because I had a little voice inside my head that said, "Ya know, I am not totally sure about this drug. We don't have much time, let us try the other option first, we can always go back to Tarceva if this next combo does not work out." I apologize if the last explanation was "more than you needed to know." This is my blog I can cry if I want to. : ) Frankly I am in need and entitled to a good cry. : )

Next issue... I think I will now tell you what is really draining me (bad joke.) Roughly 11 days ago I began to (unwillingly) retain fluid in my abdominal sack. I started feeling bloated on Thursday and by Monday my belly was the size of a watermelon. For a short time I was able to slightly sympathize with those of you who are pregnant. Anyways Monday afternoon I went to the hospital to have the fluid drained from my belly. It involved a very large needle. The most painful part was the process of the localized anesthesia but after that any discomfort I felt was from the idea that this really large needle connected to a tube was being moved around in my belly. In the end they were able to drain about 2.25 liters. There was definately more but the Dr. was afraid of stabbing any organs that he could not see. God Bless him for that. Having that fluid drained brought much relief. The pressure from the retention was causing quite a bit of pain. I could not even urinate well. Bummer for me, this relief was short lived. Within a few days my belly began to grow again. Tomorrow I am scheduled to have more fluid drained. Then the Dr. and I will discuss what is more than likely causing this. This is not an uncommon symptom for those who have damaged livers or in my case a liver layden with tumors . Back to the fluid retention. It appears that the best option or rather easiest option will be to furnish myself with a catheter. Then every week or so a home nurse will come to my house and drain my fluid. As I set here and right this the reality of this is really coming down on me. I realize that the only thing that can save me is a miracle. Currently I think I am functioning out of shock and sedatives yes and I am sure those pain killers help too.

Wow, It is now Almost 6:00 a.m. I have a counseling appointment I must be at in 2 hours. Looks like I am going on another marathon.

Last but not least ~ Amanda, thank you so much for the beautiful lei from Hawaii. I was just so shocked when I received it. I really had no idea. Cary did not mention that you had asked for our address so I wasn't expecting anything let alone such a beautiful arrangement. What a surprise! ~ Erika, Thank you so much for your honesty...our little email exchange ;) ~ My family, Tia Marge, Karen and Drina. Thanks for the comments and the love. ~ Cousin Amanda, your such a little Angel. ~ My mother-in-law Flo for coming all the way down from Grass Valley twice a week just to spend time with me, listening to me blubber. ~ Alice thanks for all the help with the house work. The afternoon juices. Cary and I just can't keep up anymore and it has been a tremendous help. ~ Mom, thank you for just being here. Cary and I love having you around. ~ Connie if you ever get time to read my blog in between all the volunteer time that you do. Thank you for all the free weekly massages. ~ Joyce thanks for taking the time to respond despite your own personal trials. ~ Thanks to all those who leave me your comments of love encouragement, prayers, meditations, whatever it may be. The majority of you I have not met yet you take the time to let me know your thinking about me and you care. Your comments really mean so much to me.

So much for a short post. I still have more news to tell and will probably learn more at my Dr.'s appointment tomorrow or shall I say today.

Until then, live and love every moment.