Too sexy for my hair: a cancer blog

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Good Night, Sugarbear



Dear Friends,

Early on the morning of Saturday, October 27th, 2007, my dear wife Lori passed away in the comfort of our home, surrounded by her closest loved ones, her three beloved dogs, and in absolute and perfect peace.

This incredible woman––whom I count myself blessed to have even known, let alone loved and betrothed––outlived her diagnosis by a full five years, and managed to live a fuller life during that precious time than many will experience in an entire lifetime.

Together, and with the love and support of an amazing group of family and friends (including all of you,) Lori & I managed to travel to the far reaches of the world during a time when others would have simply given up in despair.

In 2004 we spent three weeks on the enchanting island of Bali, in Indonesia, with short stops in Japan as well. Over the years, and in direct opposition of her doctors, we also took a full three trips to the Big Island of Hawaii––to the tiny town of Hawi, and the even tinier little shack called Whale Crossing, which became to us a home away from home, and will ultimately be home to at least some of Lori's ashes.

Reading back through this blog, I am continually stunned by my wife's candid nature. By the way in which she shared every piece of her soul for the benefit of herself and others. By the grace with which she carried herself through this long, long trial. And by the hopes and prayers we have received from people like you, all over the world.

Too Sexy For My Hair, and the respective groups she founded on Flickr, were a constant source of support for Lori, and ultimately, I believe I owe you all a debt of gratitude that can never be repaid.

In the end, my dear wife beat her disease by simply leaving it behind––in the words of a beloved friend and teacher, her body couldn't hold her down any longer.

For Lori, the pain and fear have subsided now, and in that I take great comfort.

I hope that you can too... it's the way she would have wanted it.

God Bless,
––Cary

102 Comments:

Blogger MrsC♥ said...

My thoughts are with you.

Sarah♥

2:03 PM  
Blogger flolarry said...

Cary, I was already crying from looking at all of the pictures of Lori on flickr. It was like a short summary of your amazing life together.
love
pops

2:41 PM  
Anonymous Mithra said...

Thinking of you.

2:44 PM  
Blogger ljl56 said...

I'm in tears ... and in awe of both of you. Peace to both of you.

Elise
fellow ovca warrior

2:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

NO!.....i won't believe it!....She is here with us and I will always believe that!......karen

3:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

She will be missed by many, I knew your wife through her blogs, She was a very special person and you were very lucky to have had her as your wife. My prayers are with you. Michelle

4:47 PM  
Blogger abigail said...

o my. I am in tears.

My thoughts are with you. Journey well, Lori.

abigail

5:58 PM  
Blogger Krissy said...

I'm so sorry, Cary.

I'll miss you, Lori.

6:05 PM  
Blogger Edwin said...

Cary,

Lindsey and I share in your sorrow. We will miss Lori tremendously.

Love,
Ed and Lindsey

6:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cary.....my thoughts and prayers are with you. I also followed Lori's blog through a friend. I always felt like I could relate to Lori in someway because I lost my father due to the same disease. I was there for him from the beginning to the end, and I know you were also there for Lori.
You are not alone, may God feel any void and give you peace because Lori is no longer fighting! She's a winner! She's in a place where there is no pain, war, or suffering.
God Bless!

7:49 PM  
Anonymous cecile van straten said...

Dear Cary,
I have been following Lori's blog from the Philippines. My dear cousin has leukemia.
Will be praying for you both.
God bless,
cecile

8:27 PM  
Blogger Joyce said...

I will never forget Lori's courage. I love you both so much.

8:30 PM  
Blogger BaldyLocks said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your wifes spirit and strength has shone through this blog and touched others.

Her journey was inspirational.

12:14 AM  
Blogger The Apologist said...

So sorry to hear about Lori. My thoughts are with you

Simon

3:05 AM  
Anonymous Moogie said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I'm so very, very sorry.

Laura

6:21 AM  
Blogger Jenbuster said...

Cary,
My thoughts and prayers are with you. I'm so sorry for your loss. She was an amazing human being. I feel so very lucky to have been able to even read the little snippets of her life she shared with us. Lori will never be forgotten.

7:34 AM  
Blogger francesbean said...

i am very sad and shocked to hear about this, truly. :( To Cary and the rest of her wonderful family, please accept my sincerest condolences. Lori has been a great support and inspiration to many. I still can't believe it.. She will be deeply missed.

8:00 AM  
Blogger Goddess Empress of the Universe said...

Cary,
I am so sorry for your loss. Lori was a beautiful and courageous woman. I hope she has finally found peace. I hope you and your family can find some comfort in your many beautiful memories.
Lu-Ann

8:34 AM  
Anonymous Melissa Stephens said...

I'm so fucking sad right now Cary. I was at your wedding. (I'm Andy's ex-girlfriend). My holding you in my heart because I can only imagine how hard this time is for you. m_stphns@yahoo.com

Melissa

9:38 AM  
Anonymous Tom Reddock said...

You guys are my inspiration, my guides. Thank you.

Love. It's all love.

Tom

9:58 AM  
Blogger Andy said...

Thinking about you guys, and love you.

See you soon,

Andy

10:11 AM  
Blogger typographica said...

hi cary. our thoughts are with you. let us know if you need anything.

very much love always

joshua & jineui

11:05 AM  
Anonymous nicole said...

Lori's journal was the first one I found when I was first diagnosed with ovarian cancer. As usual, I was too shy to ever speak up and say anything but I have faithfully watched from the shadows for two years.

This morning I was caught with an urgency that surprised me to check on Lori. I am relieved to hear she has finally managed to free herself from the shackles cancer kept trying to hold her in. She is and will always be simply beautiful.

11:15 AM  
Anonymous Erika said...

Lori is my inspiration.

Cary: I am so sorry for your loss. No words.

-Erika

11:32 AM  
Blogger ak said...

Cary: Lori will always be an inspiration for others, she´ll stay in my heart. She is a corageous woman but most of all BEAUTIFUL. You both were so lucky to be in each others life. I know how hard is to loose your loved one, it will always hurt but you can make a differnce by honoring her enoying life as much as she would.
Lori you are so beautiful!!
K

12:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cary....You do not know me but I feel like I know you and Lori. I found this blog through a friend's link and have been following it for a while now. I cannot express how sorry I am for your loss. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Sue

2:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cary, my thoughts and prayers are with you and all her loved ones. She was one special lady and will always be remembered by all of us who read her journal site. Your words were so loving and touching Gary, so glad you and Lori had all those special moments. God bless you dear.....Arlene (AJ)

3:39 PM  
Anonymous Mary Lou Miller said...

Cary, Having Lori in our family and as a friend has been a blessing that I will never forget. Art and I have you in our thoughts and love you so much.
aunt lou lou and Art

4:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cary, I'm so sorry that Lori's story has ended far too soon and for the sorrow. Rejoicing too in her life well lived and your love well shared.

You and your beautiful Lori showed another way to handle cancer. A way that involved being honest and still embracing life, chasing dreams, loving with ones whole heart.

With love, respect and thanks,
Kathleen

5:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cary, I did not know Lori personally but her words have touched me over the years through her blog. I am so very sorry for your enormous loss. I also lost a loved one to cancer and my heart is breaking for you right now. ~Melanie

5:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My thoughts and prayers are with both of you.

Tim

7:19 PM  
Blogger Joel Maners said...

Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts here Cary. I never knew Lori personally but I have kept up with her through her blog. She was an inspiration to so many through her candid writing. She will be missed by so many. God has blessed you with a great marriage and some wonderful memories. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

-Joel

7:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cary--Lori is dancing with the Angels now..I can just see her....all healthy...no pain....floating and dancing in Heaven...waiting to one day see you again....I am so sorry for you. Sue

7:34 PM  
Blogger baby said...

I am so sorry...I had not checked in with you for ages and for some reason did so today...my thoughts are with you

7:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cary,

We share in your grief. God bless you, friend.

Warmest regards,

Bob & Crys

8:26 PM  
Anonymous pocketina said...

I'm so sorry, Cary...Erika sent me the message a little while ago...Lori was and is a star, and her brightness will not ever fade for me, just from the brief time I got to know her through the Flick Cancer group.

10:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you, and I feel so blessed to have met her through this blog and flickr. Warmest regards,
Jen

3:28 AM  
Blogger BratGirl97 said...

My deepest condolences. I am very very sad, and very very sorry. We were lucky to have known her through this blog, this amazing strong vibrant smart woman. She will be missed.

10:36 AM  
Blogger Pockafwye said...

Lori touched so many lives with her candid words, beauty and strength. Her presence in the world was a gift to so many. I hope knowing that helps in some small way to comfort her loved ones now, in their time of loss.

1:45 PM  
Blogger Scarlett said...

I'm so sorry. My thoughts are with you.

1:57 PM  
Blogger airing out said...

I'm so so sorry.

1:57 PM  
Anonymous Sandee said...

I feel blessed to have known her, she will be missed. My thoughts are with you Cary.

Rest my sweet friend, until we meet again :*(

5:42 PM  
Anonymous Val said...

Cary--

I am just so very, very sorry. I've followed your journey for a long time (since your Cancer Blogger carnivals at least (I blogged over at New Way to be Human), but haven't commented much. I admired Lori so much. She was absolutely incredible and so are you.

I wish you peace.... And again I am so very sorry.

6:44 PM  
Blogger Amy said...

I am so sorry.

Lori was an inspiration to more than you will ever know.

9:48 PM  
Anonymous gaela said...

I can't believe we have to say goodbye to such a beautiful person. I will never be able to thank her in person for everything she did for me, that she probably didn't even know about. Her kindness gave me hope. Her strength made me stronger. I looked to her for inspiration, and every time, she delivered. My heart aches for Cary and family now, and it also aches for everyone who has been so lucky to know Lori. She has helped so many of us get through some of the most difficult times. In thinking about how many people follow her words, and how many belong to the support communities she started so long ago, it amazes me how she did so much, and seemingly effortlessly.

Lori, I know your sweet essence is all around us now, and I will never forget you. I hope somehow that you hear me when I say thank you for everything, thank you for sharing so much, thank you for your supreme generosity. You gave us all something to hold onto, and we will keep it forever.

9:58 PM  
Blogger Kelly said...

Oh, Cary, I'm so sad and I can't stop thinking about you. When I opened Lori's blog just now and saw that wedding picture of you two I remembered how cute and happy you guys were when you first starting courting. I had known Lori for a couple years before that and had never seen her so happy. I'm so glad that she had you through all this and it is heartbreaking that she is gone now, but if it had to be this way, at least she was blessed enough to have you while she did.

I'm thinking of you dearly.
Much love,
Kelly Johnson

10:23 PM  
Anonymous Khuong said...

Cary,

I'm sorry to hear this sad news. My prayers are for the both of you. May she rest in peace in a better place.

Khuong

10:48 PM  
Anonymous Janice said...

As I think of the Lori I came to know through her blog I think of a song.... "No more cold hard shackles on my feet, I'll Fly Away.....
Fly away Lori, be free.

11:15 PM  
Blogger golfwidow said...

I am so very sorry for your loss.

4:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cary,
I found Lori's blog in July when my mother was diagnosed w/ lung cancer. I read all the blogs and found so much hope and inspiration. I checked almost daily for updates and then I found Fliker. I'm so saddened by your loss. Lori is in a better place and I know how much peace and joy she lefts behind. My mother passed away Oct. 6th..just 3 weeks before Lori. God now has 2 new beautiful angels.

8:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Cary
I knew of Lori and her illness from a coworker of mine. My heart goes out to you and your family. Her story has been very inspirational and helpful to me and my father. My father has cancer, recently diagnosed and we are hoping to outlive his prognosis. Stay strong. She is in a better place, with the angels.

9:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cary,
I am truly very sorry to hear of Lori's passing - just a few minutes ago. And worse because she had been on my mind in the last several days and i kept thinking I needed to check on how she was. And so sitting at the other side of the world I am thinking of this beautiful courageous woman who touched so many lives...mine... and I think of you and all your family - all of whom I have got to know a little through Flickr and can only say I am very glad for having had the chance to have "known" her. My thoughts are with all of you. Stay strong.

Priya/ pj58

10:07 AM  
Blogger Jeannette said...

Lori remains my hero for her courage, her encouragement to others no matter what she was enduring, and her beauty.

Cary - I carry you both in my heart.

Jeannette

10:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so, so deeply sorry for your loss. Lori was so beautiful both inside and ouside, a truly Angel....I didn't expect tp read such heartbreaking news, I strongly believed she'd get better....My thought and prayers are with you...

God Bless,

Oliwia (Poland)

10:47 AM  
Blogger Jacqueline said...

I'll miss her words and her generosity but her beautiful spirit is forever saved. Peace **starburst**.

12:10 PM  
Anonymous Alice said...

Dear Sweet Lori,
Just look at the lives you touched.There's no question that you'll be missed, and that your comforting & candid words will live on and on helping many along their journey.
I miss you so very much and yearn to make you one last glass of fresh squeezed juice,fluff up your pillows, turn your bed down and just sit beside you with my granddoggies along side us.

1:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cary-

You and Lori helped me through my worst times, Lori was my inspiration. I am heartbroken.

You are both so lucky to have shared such love. Lori beat that disease and lived and loved.

One day Lori and I will laugh in SF in the sun as planned, I know we will.

My love to you, I am so sorry.

Lisa in England xxx

1:45 PM  
Blogger Erin said...

Cary, there are no words to express how sorry I am that Lori is gone. She is an inspiration to me and many others and will continue to be so. I love you and Lori and always will.

2:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lori will be missed but we all can learn from her strength and devotion through her tough journey. Support and prayer go to Cary and their families.

5:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have admired Lori's strength, humour and joie de vivre for a couple of years now and am so sad to hear this news. She touched so many lives and I am sure many more people will find peace and courage reading this blog in the future.

Cary, you are Lori's hero. We should all have caregivers as dedicated and loving as you. I wish you peace and comfort.

Claire

7:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You both have given so much support to others because of your unsefishness -- it is wonderful to read that you lived life to the fullest and truly loved each other.

My prayers are with both of you and your family -- Lori will never be forgotten. Light Lori's lamp and carry it with you always. She is no farther than your heart. I am so happy she is at peace and without pain.
Jan

7:40 PM  
Anonymous ehoogie said...

All of the above and then some, that is what I say. I know I posted already but re-reading so many posts of people that Lori touched--I am simply in awe. I am blessed to have met her, to have known her, to consider her truly my friend. I'm not ready to talk about her in the past tense.

You, Cary, definitely are a HERO. I pray that God blesses you with peace in your heart, even as I know it is broken.

--Erika

7:48 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

Cary -

She touched us all -- may God bring you hope, comfort, and love in the days ahead.
Lisa

8:31 PM  
Anonymous AmyaM said...

I'm so sorry, I had just discovered your blog, had heard of Lori's journey. So glad to read of your travels, living life fully, and of her peace in the end.

Even though I don't know you, all my love is with you.

Your wedding photo is beautiful, and it shows so much love between the two of you.

Rest in peace Lori, and Cary, you are a good, good man.

God bless,

10:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So sorry to hear of your wife's passing. You and your loved ones are in my prayers.

Mike

1:58 PM  
Blogger The Bells said...

I am so sorry. I have followed you & Lori through the internet & through my co-workers who know the two of you or your family. Lori was inspirational in her determination, her anger & frustration, her joy & peace. She will be missed.

2:16 PM  
Anonymous wanderingrose said...

I have only been reading a short while. I had been diagnosed with a cancer of an unknown primary (they have, thankfully, now found my primary) and this blog was one I could relate to.

I am so sorry for your loss.

2:48 PM  
Anonymous elena hernandez said...

Cary,
I am so sorry to hear this terrible news. You guys have been on my mind for months... Lori was such a wonderful, beautiful, strong person and I will always be impressed with the life you two created together in spite of her diagnosis. I can't imagine the pain of losing my soulmate but just want you to know that my thoughts are with you.

6:06 PM  
Blogger bee said...

our condolences to you and your family, cary. lori was special to everyone she came in contact with. we only knew her through her blog, but we felt her presence. we will miss her.

7:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cary, I can relate to the pain you have suffered as a care giver and I terribly await the pain you are suffering from the loss of your wife.
Lori is much like my wife Linda who is currently battling her cancer and unfortunately losing. But I take comfort in knowing valiant spirits like theirs will always live with us in our hearts and in our minds.

9:09 PM  
Blogger Mollie said...

I had only left one comment on Lori's blog but I always came to check up on her...and was in shock to see this. I am so very sorry for your loss. She was such a wonderful, strong woman and will always live on in our hearts!

12:19 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

she is missed by so many. my thoughts and prayers are with you and your loved ones, and her beloved dogs.

hugs to you cary,
trisha

9:00 AM  
Anonymous rahin said...

Lori was a brave girl, May she rest in peace. Sorry for ur loss Cary.

10:12 AM  
Blogger Lori said...

Another cancer survivor told me about Lori's website, and she e-mailed me with some budwig information. I am really sad to learn of Lori's passing. My dad passed about a week before her. Sometimes it feels like it's not even real - But it helps to remember they're in a better place now with no pain. And someday we'll be with them again.

9:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I cannot even imagine the pain and sadness you must be feeling, I'm so sorry that you have lost your sweet, kindred spirit! Please know that you and Lori are in my thoughts and prayers. Be well, be safe and know that the light created by the love you and Lori share cannot be extinguished.

In peace and love, Chenee

3:12 PM  
Blogger Dana said...

Dear Cary,

My deepest condolences. My tears are falling as I write what an inspiration both you and Lori have been to me through my own journey through cancer.

What courage and strength you have both shown.

Thank you!

Dana

8:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so sorry this dynamic and spunky woman is no longer with us. She rocked. And will be missed.

8:54 PM  
Anonymous Janice said...

Cary, you continue to be in my thoughts as I know by now your loss has settled in to being a profound lonliness. You will be in my prayers. Keep God close, he will see you through.

12:09 AM  
Anonymous christine said...

For Lori, the pain and fear have subsided now, and in that I take great comfort.

I hope that you can too... it's the way she would have wanted it.

Yes.

I am praying for you Cary. For peace in the days ahead. I wish there was more i could do.
I met Lori on Flickr more than 2 years ago, and she touched my life. Such a brave and beautiful girl. I'm glad I "met" her.

1:30 AM  
Anonymous Roads said...

I'm so sorry to read about your loss.

I was once where you are now, and it's a desperately hard road to travel. But you can make it.

All best wishes from London.

12:44 PM  
Blogger sunnyside2day said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Words never seem adequate upon the loss of a loved one, but I will say as those before me have done.... I am so sorry for your loss. However I am also glad you two had the time you did together and you both cherished it so fully.

7:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cary,
I am sorry for your loss. I am a 4-year cancer survivor, and I am thankful for the information Lori provided in her blog. Also for the inspiration. Although I didn't really know her, I will miss her.

Hugh

8:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love your wedding picture. It's just so perfect and beautiful. I'm sorry you had to say goodbye so early.

12:03 PM  
Anonymous Rebecca said...

cary,
Lori was so very blessed to have someone such as you to be by her side and take her hand and walk her through the last 6 years of her life. Your love, faithfulness and gentleness are to be commended! We will miss Lori very much! Rebecca

7:43 PM  
Blogger it's me, Val said...

This is my first time ever to her site . . . I just came across it . . . and reading only what you just wrote, has brought me to tears. God bless you as you stand on your feet as strongly as qpossible, move forward and cherish all your wonderful times together. Sounds like it was truly amazing.

In love ~

9:49 PM  
Blogger Kirsten said...

I've checked in on Lori's blog for years now and was so excited to read of her great news this summer...I am stunned at how quickly things change.
The picture is absolutely beautiful; true love shines through it.
Praying for you and yours.

4:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cary,
I am so sorry to hear this news. As a cancer survivor myself it is heartbreaking to hear of a fellow warrior who lost her battle.

I am quite sure that wherever Lori is now she will be waiting ready with open arms for you and all those dear to her, when your time comes - for we all must eventually move on.

To live in the hearts of those you love is not to die.

Jan, blog site: http://j9marshall.wordpress.com/

11:18 AM  
Anonymous Kim D. In Iowa said...

Hi Cary,

I'm so sorry for your loss. Just from reading Lori's journal, I could tell she was an amazing young woman.

I wish you the best,

3:45 PM  
Anonymous Erika Hoogie said...

Ya know, I don't like the above comment inferring that cancer won. And, of course, the person hasn't the balls to identify theirself.

Cancer didn't win, whoever you are.

Lori lived a kick ass life. She had the biggest heart in the world and she wore it on her sleeve with pride so everyone who met her, either in person or online, had the opportunity to bask in the light of the love she had.

Lori had a wonderfully full life, if it was short, sobeit. That doesn't mean cancer won. Lori rocked it in every way.

Lori won, in my book.

LORI WON.

2:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wish my life was as full as hers, and that I was as tough, daring, and courageous as Lori. We are the losers because we no longer have her continuing presence as our inspiration. Instead we must forge ahead on our own and try to live even half the life she did. Lori was definitely the winner.

3:11 PM  
Blogger Mollie said...

Thinking of you Cary. Tears fill my eyes every time i read the comments that people are leaving.

12:37 AM  
Blogger PeanutButtersMum said...

What a sad, sad time for you, and yet a relief for her. I'm so sad for you and sad to hear that she is gone...

11:52 AM  
Blogger Scott said...

cary - i want you to know that you and lori touched more people than you'll ever know.

the world is a better place for having had her in it. thank you guys.

- Scott

2:01 PM  
Blogger Pat said...

I don't even know what to say. I just knew she was going to find a way to beat it. She touched me even though we never met, and she has made me a better person. I will always have her with me. Thank you for sharing Lori and Cary.

Pat
TriathlonTraining.net

2:08 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

In our difficult experience with my mum's cancer, my sister and I found comfort in Lori's words.

This blog was a secret place for us to cry, laugh and hope in the past year.

One last time, I sob in comfort at the words I find here.

Alas, as this immaculate photo radiates, in the end, as in the beginning, there is always love and peace in our hearts.

1:14 AM  
Blogger Minerva said...

Thank you both for all you have done and ever will do. Lori was a really wonderful woman whose story is bigger than just words on the net...

Love to you Cary and Lori, you will be remembered,

Minerva

9:52 AM  
Blogger Jamie said...

Lori - Godspeed to you, my dear friend. I am so sad to read this.

Gary - you are a wonderful husband.

Thank you for posting a photo of the two of you in your bliss. I hope you both find it again.

Much love,

Jamie

1:52 PM  
Blogger Brian Dowd said...

Your wife was an outstanding person and showed all cancer survivors how a person can make a difference and express his/her self.

My thoughts are with you and your family.

Sincerely,
Brian Dowd

8:52 AM  
Blogger Moni said...

Dear Cary,
I lost my mom to cancer three years ago. I hope you are in peace knowing she's free now. It's true: Her soul was so grand, her body could'nt hold it any longer. I'll pray for you both.
Regards and love from Mexico.
Moni

3:41 PM  
Blogger Betsey C. said...

I'm so sorry. Life is short, shorter for some than others.

6:01 PM  
Blogger Stan Chion said...

I'm sorry.
Words cannot express.

5:10 PM  
Blogger Scott said...

I am so sorry! And I am glad you got to enjoy five years after her diagnosis.

7:56 AM  
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