Where do I start? I had quite an emotional day yesterday, but I won't go too far into detail. I made plans with my grandma Lorene who is an 86-year-old fragile yet feisty woman. Included in these plans was my older brother, who we will call P-Dog. "P" suffers from a mental illness. Our plans were to go visit the gravesite of my father who died June 18th, 2001, which happened to be the day after Father's Day on that particular year. I enjoyed my time with grandma, we had lunch, cut wildflowers and arranged them in a bouquet for my father's resting place. We sat under the sun on the hillside where my father was laid to rest in a cemetary in the town of Placerville, California. Between the three of us, grandma, P-Dog, and myself, we remenisced and such. The sun began to set and the mosquitos began to bite so we felt it was time to go home. On our way out we said our goodbyes to our father...until we visit again.
As we began our drive back to my grandmother's house my brother asked, "isn't there a plot of land that belongs to the family that lies next to father and grand father?" My grandma replied "yes". My brother then asked, "who will be buried there?" My grandmother responds," well I thought it would be nice for your sister (me) to be laid to rest." I then replied thank you grandma, but I am going to allow my husband to decide what to do with my remains. My grand mother then proceeds to inquire on the current status of my prognosis. I then explained that my last C.T. Scan was good. Then she asked, "Why can't they operate?" I then reply, "It's too late for that grandma. The cancer has already spread." I reminded my grandma as I reminded myself that chemo, a healthy diet and the love and support of my love ones is the hope I hold onto to get me throught this time of uncertainty. Oh yes, I am still waiting for the miracle cure.
:)My father's passing was sudden. He died alone in his home from heart failure and was not found until the day after, June 19. At that time I was all caught up in the hussle and bussle of life and could not seem to find the time for a Father's Day visit or phone call. To this day I carry sorrow and guilt for not taking the time to appreciate my father on his special day. I wish that I could turn back the hands of time and say "goodbye, I love you and all is forgiven."
What I have learned from my experience with cancer thus far is to fully appreciate my family and friends. Live each day as if it is your last, no regrets. Forgive and forget while you can, it is the healthiest thing you could do for yourself. A blessing in disguise has been the knowing that if I should go sooner than I want, at least I have the opportunity to say my goodbyes.
:)
