Camp Complain

Well I took a break from posting. Geez, mainly for this very reason. I don't know how to pick up where I left off. I've been in a negative space lately and I did not want to write until I was feeling a little better. Honestly, I don't know when that's gonna' be. So I apologize ahead of time for this post.

I am still undergoing IOP. They have put me on this medication, Seroquel, for my moods. It most definately comes with a price. I mean that literally and figuratively. They do not make a generic form of seroquel so I must pay $106.00 for half a month's supply of it; though that's because I have a $250.00 deductible on brand-name prescriptions. Now as for the physical side effects, I suffer from daily headaches, agitation (like a menopausal woman needs to be even more agitated!) dry mouth, weight gain, trouble urinating, and uncontrollable muscle movements and confusion. Yep, all that so I don't drive myself nuts. You may even find this post confusing to read and that's because I am confused.

Lets see now... what next? Oh yes I remeber now. Last week I was a victim of road rage, so now I have to deal with my insurance company in getting my car fixed and hopefuly finding the asshole who caused damage to my car. You see, he did not stick around once he dented my car, he hopped on his motorcycle and sped away. What this asshole didn't realize was he was messing with one girl who has had it up to here with life's little bumps. So I pulled into the far shoulder lane and drove through traffic to catch up with this jerk to get his license plate number. The whole time I am driving I have my schizoaffective brother screaming at me and telling me I am the crazy one. Yes, I do admit, I snapped and I now realize that was not the safest thing to do, but I did get half of the jerk's license plate number. I think I also scared the crap out of him. Once I found him and drove up on him to get his plates he looked like he saw a ghost and sped off again. I am sure he thought I was a girl and I was just going to take his rage. Well he was wrong.

Then there is my brother... can't even begin to express the upset and the relationship we have now. Its heart wrenching to me. Then I have my therapist and others tell me "don't take this stuff personal, its the disease and not your brother talking." None of this advice matters right now... all I feel is pain.

Yes, and I am still going thru chemotherapy and suffering from its side effects. I still don't know when there will be a light at the end of this paticular tunnel.

My awesome camera that my father -in-law, Larry, gave to me is now on the frits. Larry is a smart guy and bought an extended warranty. :) So at least I am able to send my camera in for repairs. :)

I think I am finished complaining now. I am sorry about that. I felt like I had to let it out before I could move any further. I know things could be worse... for example, I could be a displaced citizen of Louisiana. Those poor people. I wish there was something that I could do physically to help them out. The Red Cross requires that volunteers be in good health and thats obviously not me ! :) I think what I will do is donate clothes and canned foods. How about you guys out there? Want to join in and help? These people really need our help. Forget about me! I have got nothing to complain about compared to them.

So before i close this post i wan't you to know one thing and that is i went camping this past weekend. Cary and I for the last three years, has set up a camping trip in Nevada County, California. It is beautiful up there! Its a time when we catch up with old friends and get aquainted with new friends. We had a blast. Thanks everyone who was there for joining us again this year. Special thanks to Kizzy, Alice, Dede, and my husband Cary. Also thanks to Flo and Kriseda for the Luau dance. That was Great! :) Gaela, next time you have got to come. There is lots of fun to be had!

Regarding my last post, my husband and I are still working out the details. Thank you Torrie, Aeryn, Joi, Gaela, David for offering a hand. We will be getting back to you when we have the time. :)

Last but not least thank you Toby for the T-shirts. We will take a picture and post you later!

Love to All!

Lori

So My Plan is...

This is my idea and plan. I would like to transform Too Sexy For My Hair: a young woman's cancer blog into Too Sexy For My Hair: a group cancer blog. I will be transferring my personal posts and all archives to a new blog I have created. The name of this blog will be Mission: Remission.

I also plan on starting a non-profit organization with and for my group. The idea behind this group is to send care packages to those whom have been diagnosed with cancer and are going through some type of chemo.

When I first found out about my diagnosis, I received so many cards and a few baskets, and it lifted my spirit tremendously. I want to do the same for others.

Still working on the details, but I am very excited about this. I've made plans to raise money through designing and selling T-Shirts, yard sales etc. I have even started collecting cans and bottles for recycling... my mom is helping me do the same (she works @ a hospital and she told me she could bring home 1-2 bags a night.) Every penny will help.

Changing the subject on you. My WBCs jumped from 2.5 to 10.3. Those neupogen shots really work. Anyways, I was finally able to get in to chemo. YEAH? :) I am beginning to tire out; that's all I can write for now.

Post ya later!

Love,
Lori

Behind the Wheel Again

Lake Tahoe
© Lori Miller 2005

I know a whole week has gone by since Cary and I returned from our little get away.
I want to thank you guys so so much for your kind words and generous donations. They really did mean all the difference in the world to us. I came back from my trip refreshed and wanting to return all the love that has been shown to me.

I originally planned on returning to school this fall... spent three days last week trying to get into the classes I wanted. There was no way I was going to get in. Being so wrapped up in "things" I completely forgot when registration began. So I had to go in for late registration and well it was already to late. C lasses were all full. So I am just slightly disappointed that I will not be attending school this fall. At the same time though I am kinda glad it worked out that way because the wheels in my head have been turning and I have some ideas that I would like to make happen soon. I am very excited about these things. I would almost love to announce them now, but I think I still need to give them more thought.

Geez getting tired of writing... which by the way reminds me that my chemo was postponed again due to low WBC's. This has been causing my treatments to become so irregular over the last couple of months. So I'm starting to worry just a bit. I don't like missing so many chemo appointments.

Well I begining to fall asleep at the wheel here.

Once again thank you all (there were so many of you)for your kind words prayers and donations.

I am including a picture of Cary and I last weekend on a dinner date. Something we have not done in a while.

School!?

Being in my own world for the last several weeks has caused me to forget about one of my main goals this fall. That goal being is to try and return to school again.

I tried last fall. Unfortunately the taxotere kicked my butt and I had to drop out. Well here I go again... I must finish this semester... that is my goal.

En Challa

Gotta go register now!

Post later,

Lori

We're Back!

I am feeling very fatigued this a.m. Not sure that i can even make it to my Dr. appt. (better decide quickly, I have got 30 mins. to get there starting now!)

A woman by the name of Jen wrote to me while I was out on R and R. Jen is having stomach surgery today! (cancer) Jen I "pray" for you now! May everything go well. I will hope to talk more with you when you recover... gotta go

Post later,

Lori

We're Outa' Here!!

My husband is taking me out of town for the next 5 days! I need to get the hell out of dodge.

For more info check this link.

Blog ya later my loving peoples!

Thank You

I would like to thank the following for all your thoughts, prayers, advice, encouragement, love and support:

Love of my life,
Cary
Larry and Flo
Mom
Grandma Betty
Grandma Riggs
Alice
Aunt Paula
Aunt Joyce
Kizzy
Seth
Krissy
Yvonne Fong
Steve Ganz
Gaela
Jeanette
Tris Hussey
Torrie
Rie@Japaneyes529
Andy Chua
Bean (Frances)
Jamie
Joi
Lisa
Toby
Sandee
Darren
Scott & all the triathaletes
Anonomyous commenters
Bono for writing me ONE, Miracle Drug, and
Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own

Forgive me if I Have forgotten to add your name to the list
my head is still in a fog!

Cancer got my tongue

Pardon my post, or should I say my inability to write skillfully. I woke up this morning feeling fine. Then all a sudden I could not speak... could not move. Literally. It was as if I were in a coma, but awake. My husband soon began to realize that something was wrong. I was crying hystericaly and moaning, but I couldn't form words. I think at first he thought I had overdosed. Wasn't so. He then called 911 and soon the ambulance came. They came in to find me lying on the floor. They had to carry me out of the house and to the gurnie and up into the ambulance.

I had my wits about me, though... I know, because I could still write with my left hand and answer questions by nodding my head up/down or side/side (yes or no.) But I couldn't move my left arm, or anything from my neck down to my toes... couldn't even open my mouth. To better explain this, I should say the only things I could move was my right arm, hand and fingers, my neck and my eyes.

I don't feel as if I can write anymore right now.

When I feel better I will blog about it.

Happy Birthday Mom!

Josephine

Happy Birthday Mom! I love you so... I understand things have been difficult for you since my diagnosis. I could not find any current pictures of you smiling. So lets look back on those captured moments of our happier times together.

My wedding day,

October 06, 2002

The Low Down Has Got Me on The Throw Down

So this is how my story goes. I get married, and 7-months later I am diagnosed with Adenocarcinoma, stage-IV. That means "Oh Shit...can't live with chemo, can't live with out it!" Devastating news to newlyweds who were once dreaming of babies. According to my gynecologist, my ovaries have shut down and I am now a 29-year-old menopausal, depressed, angry, out of control, young-but-feeling-old-as-hell woman.

I have a brother who suffers from a mental illness... in actuality, we both suffer from his illness.
I am his only support, so I worry if something happens to me, what will become of him?

I have been on a downward spiral for months now. I refused to help myself . I suppose it was pride. I did not want to ask for any money from any one. My most gracious In-Laws have helped so much already. How could I ask for anymore support?

I fell hard Sunday evening. With the support of my loving husband "I checked myself in." I had to, because I was having thoughts of "permanently checking myself out."

So there it is ... I worry now. Will my friends ever look at me the same?

This is the truth, and they say the truth shall set you free. Now if that's true, everything will be all right...Right?

This One is For Yvonne

So, as some of you may already know, my mental state hasn't been... No, let's just say I am on a vacation right now. Regardless, I wan't to let you in on a big something that's about to take place. I copied this post straight from my husband's blog:

Hello, everyone. My friend Yvonne Foong, who lives in Malaysia, has recently let me know that she is still badly in need of sponsors for her attempt at blogging for 24-hours straight during the upcoming Blogathon 2005 – an event that raises money for charities across the globe. Yvonne, who suffers from Neurofribromatosis (a cancer-related illness that causes the growth of benign tumors within the central nervous system,) will be blogging every half-hour for an entire day (yep, that's 48 posts!) and all funds raised will go to directly to the Eden Handicap Service Center in Penang, Malaysia. Eden House is a charity that strives to offer support for underprivileged people with handicaps, at absolutely no charge. But Yvonne says it much better than me...

Malaysia is still very far behind when it comes to accomodation and facilities for the handicaps. Most often than not, many handicaps become withdrawn and forsaken in society. There isn't much, or none at all, job prospects for the physically and the mentally restricted. So as a result, most handicaps end up being at home all the time. Eden actualizes their vision by training the handicaps with daily living skills and simple talents, then try their best to fit them into job vacancies. As for the children, they make sure the kids go to special schools and even supportt them with physiotherapy, all for free, even those with parents!

So, I encourage you all to consider sponsoring Yvonne in her bid to blog for an entire day & night in the name of an excellent cause, because while you and I are fast asleep in our beds, she will be pounding away at her keyboard trying to make a difference. You can pledge as small or large an amount as you like (though I recommend at least $1/post,) and if you can't donate, perhaps help get the word out, or drop in on Yvonne during the actual blogathon, August 6th, 2005, to drop her a few words of encouragement. It is people like Yvonne who truly make a difference in this world : )

Also, as an aside, if you're in the Western Hemisphere, don't forget that while you may not be able to afford a very large donation, depending on what country you live in there's a good chance your money will go a lot further in Malaysia, so any amount you can pledge is great. And don't forget to do it soon, the big day is almost upon us! For more info see Yvonne's page: Blogathon 2005

San Fran-freakso

Dear Family,
Long weekend.
Those who were with me, you know what I mean. Those who were not... I am still debating."Do I share my weekend with you or not?"

I am sorry, it has been building up inside of me for the last several months. I was trying to take care of it on my own. I didn't/don't want to burden anyone anymore than I already have. I was avoiding therapy because of the expense. I turned to taking care of others to distract myself from my own issues. May I express that the issues are plural x's ten. I realize now that if I wan't to take care of other people I must take care of myself first. The next two weeks I will be doing so. I may or may not blog about. I have recorded some confessions that I may post.

I must take it day by day for now.

Blog ya later,

Lori

I Left my Heart in San Francisco

His name is John, © Lori Miller 2005.

I almost walked right passed him... he tried to speak...he could not
communicate that well. I gave him what money I had on me. Then he
asked,"will you count this for me." Ten dollars he had. He said he
was tired and wanted to go rest. I turned... went on my way. I woke up
this morning (Sunday) thinking of John. I will be back next week to see if I
can find John.