Looking for Zara

An anonymous young lady left some concerns of hers' on my comment section under my post titled "Love". Dear Zara how can I find you?

This is easier said than done, and if I was given a dime everytime someone said this to me, but try not to fear the worst.

Take care,

Lori

Feeling A Little Bit Of Everything

I have much on my mind this evening. Somethings I am afraid to write about. Maybe afraid is not the right word. I would definetly describe my mood as melancholy, depressed and sad. I swear it's the Taxol that brings me down. I have had to take my seroquel these last two days. I have had lots of anxiety, anger,and aggitation. Maybe its those mood swings that come along with menopause? They could be just natural feelings that I should be feeling considering all that I have been through and all that I will continue to go through. While I write about this I think of you Grandma Betty. I know you struggle too. Between you and I (and everyone else who is reading) I think my Grandama Riggs suffers from depression as well. I try and visit my grandma Riggs as much as I can. I will be visiting her tomorrow for her Birthday. She will be turning 88 years old! Wow! Happy Birthday Grandma Riggs!

Well onto something totally unrelated but most important to me and dear to my heart, my friend Lisa. Lisa is someone I had met via my blog. We have gotten to know one another well through this cyber world and we hope that one day we will meet in person. She really wants to come out to visit our city of San Francisco and I really want to show her around. Actually I wouldn't mind visiting her land, England. Back to the main topic, Lisa like myself is a cancer patient. Lisa's battle with cancer makes mine look like a walk in the park. It was first found that she had Kidney cancer but shortly after the Doctors had found that her cancer had spread to her bowels and her lymphatic system. Lisa has literally been through hell these last few weeks.
She describes to me that she has felt so ill and sometimes questioned if she could continue these gawd awful treatments she is undergoing. Lisa has spent the last several weeks in the hospital undergoing R-chop chemo as well as stem cell transplants. She is so ill right now and needs much prayer, positive energy, good thoughts whatever you want to call it as long as you call it for her! Lisa will be my first cancer patient on our new blog Mission: Remission. There I can go into more detail about Lisa's battle with cancer.

That reminds me. My husband and I have mostly completed the Mission: Remission site! Now the about me and other details need to be updated, but the basic design is complete. Please feel free to go check it out and let us know what you think. Slowly but surely things are getting accomplished. That I must admit is exciting to me. I just need to keep my eye on the prize. We are getting there.

Tired and ready catch some ZZZZZZZ's

Love

I love my husband! Cancer can never take that away. :)

I also love all the new friends I have made thru this experience... so many the list could go on forever! I never would have expected to have become a part of such a loving supportive community... Thank You All!

No Rest For the Wicked

Ya, so I went to my DR./Chemotherapy appointment yesterday (Friday). My WBC's were back to a close to normal level so I "qualified" for another round of chemo. Despite qualifications and all that boo-ya-blah-blah, my brain is just lame. I have become very tired and in need of a break. Lisen to your body right? So I asked my DR. for some time to recoupe. Just a month please?
"AH??... Lori the results from your last C.T scan show that the therapy has been keeping your cancer stable." "Yes... well isn't that a good thing." [I mean everyone that does not have stage IV, terminal cancer is telling me that. Sorry , that was uncalled for... lets just say I am a little pissed off in the moment. I know that cancer being stable is better than cancer that is uncontrollable! So, yes things could always be worse.] Anyways, to make things short she said "NO... I am afraid of the what might happen." Yah DOC . I know what you mean.
Just between you (yes you) and I , I cried myself to sleep last night and I cry now. Though its not all sadness it's mixed with madness.

Name that tune or group
So I'm... insane in the membrane, insane got no brain...
Well at least I have music to help. Put on a good track and I have forgotten all thats been "whack!" Hey, I'm a poet and didn't know it!

So as always, the mantra is Fuck Cancer. Excuse my langauge, the devil, I mean the cancer made me say it. ;)

Well as usual, I feel better after writing.

Though I don't always mention it... I could never have gotten this far without my husband, family, friends, and all my cancer crounies. I Love you guys! Your support is the best medicine. I sincerely mean that.

post later

Putting the Real In Reality

I am exhausted and I have my lab work to prove it. Just because, I decided to go in a few days earlier than usual to have my blood drawn. It turned out to be a good thing because my WBC's were way low. My DR. then called me and told me in was time for a double dose of Neupogen if I were to have chemo tomorrow (Friday). Hmm... thats a tough one being that I want a vacation from chemo in the first place. Well what the hell one more round of chemo then vacation for sure. At least I hope my DR. says yes to a vacation. OH, I can't wait! taking a month off! That would almost start to give me time to feal "normal" again. : )

So my intention to post this evening was not to completely whine about chemo, I actually wanted to announce a really Real project called Real Cancer, Real Lives. It's a blogging project (or Carnival) that my husband & I started in order to raise awareness of what it's really like to live with cancer – as a patient, as a caregiver, and as a loved one – not just that feel-good fluff you see on TV. The very first edition was posted last weekend at my husband's site Cancer NewsWatch, and this week's will be posted this Sunday, the 16th at Jenny's Belly.

We have a ton of great blogs signed up to host Real Cancer, Real Lives, but not anywhere near enough contributing posts...so if you have a story about your cancer diagnosis, treatment, remission, loved one with cancer, or any other type of cancer story, we'd love it if you'd submit it for inclusion in the next edition. Any length post will do, but honesty of emotion will be appreciated above all else. This project is all about expressing the good, the bad and the ugly of cancer.

If you're interested in submitting a post, please do so via the Carnival Submit Form.

Also, if you're interested in hosting Real Cancer, Real Lives on your blog, just check the dates that are still open over at the main page (they're at the bottom) and drop one of us an e-mail.
I myself will be hosting November 27. This date is more than just a little significant for it was the day I was born on... then 26years later it was the day I was diagnosed with adenocarcinoma.

Better get to sleep

post later

It was a Happy Anniversary

Cary and I shared a wonderful day together. We remenissed about one of the happiest days of our lives. I say "one" of the happiest days of our lives because we plan on having at least two more.

1. The day the DR. pronounces me cancer free.
2. The day I conceive or the day we adopt a child.

Back to today, it was fun going through our wedding pictures. We had such a fun wedding with great friends and family. I remember laughing so much and not wanting the day to end. Then waking up as Mrs. Miller. I felt so blessed to have found my Cary. As Billie Holiday sings our favorite song, "There is no greater love... than what I feel for you."

Cary arrived home early from work bearing 3 dozen roses. He's just the best. I can't imagine life without him.

Then after putting my roses to water I got all dolled up and ready to spend a romantic dinner at a fabulous Italian restaraunt. I hope he had a wonderful time... I know the blonde did. : )

We Did, October6,2002

Three years ago today in Nevada City, California I made the best decision of my life. Without a doubt the day could not come sooner for me. With honor I became Mrs. Lori Miller wife of Cary Miller one of the most sought out bachelors in downtown Sacramento. Cary is truly the love of my life, my soulmate, my hero. With him I feel safe and in love. Cary is the perfect husband. He provides, and spoils. He has been the greatest caregiver, and not just for me but for many others who suffer.

I would for you. With you there are no regrets. You have been the ultimate testament to the phrase "in sickness and in health." I love you so much... I love you more!

I wish , I wish, I wish

I have been feeling melancholy all day today. Some days I am fine and I go thru my day hardley thinking about my disease. Some mornings I have trouble making it out from underneath my bed covers. It is just the worst. Depression, it gets in the way of everything I want to do. Yes I take medicine for it but something is not right. Are the antidepressants I have been taking no longer affective? Is it time for something new? Something got to give. I have began to lie to the people in my life... when they ask me how I am doing, I answer things could be worse but I am hanging in there."

I am being robbed of so many things. My husband is being robbed of so many things. I have thought these thoughts to myself before but never have I anounced them thru writing. I wish , I wish, it would just go away! The pain from chemotherapy followed by the pain of depression. I want Lori back. Or will she ever be back? Will this experience change me forever. I know it will certainly change me but I must make it for the better.

I have had these plans , big plans, but this depression is a son of a bitch! I want to go out and get things done but my motivation seems to fluctuate like gas prices. Take it one day at a time. I must keep telling myself that. As to not be to hard on myself I have been showing spurts of enthusiasm here and there. I have beeen making a concerted effort to try and make more of a presence in the "groups." There is just this one major step I must take, and it must be made soon. Maybe once I accomplish this one step everything else will easily fall into place.
I could do this, I know I can. Sorry this post has turned into a pep talk to myself.

There is something that I have procrastinated on and the longer the I put off the worse I feel about it. It such a easy thing to do but excuses, excuses.

This is for Scott Randolph and all the other triathletes who were at one time strangers in our lives. Despite the distance between us and Oh yes, the fact that we were virtual strangers , Scott, found our story somewhere and decided to run, swim, and bike for the cause. They raised money for The American Cancer Society, as well as an uncle of one of the team members (who was diagnosed with cancer) and they donated some money to Cary and myself.
Talk about some angels! I wonder if they truly understand the affect that their action has made upon my life. Thank you are just words that are to small to express my gratitude towards their generosity. They say actions speak louder than words... so its time for me to take my action and give back to those in need. FYI Scott, not only did you encourage me to give back and support those in need but you also have encouraged my husband and I to get back into shape! Yes we are beginning a new diet and exercise regimen. It is hard for some to believe that I have gained so much weight these last few months, but there are drugs that will indeed persuade you to eat and eat.

All right enough for this evening. Coming soon is our 3rd wedding anniversary! Yeah, can't wait. Must post some pictures on flickr.

post at you later

My Beautiful Bali

O.k., there are two things in this world that I wish would shrival up and die at this very moment.
Cancer an Al Quida or any other or any other group /disease thats invasive and cowardly stricking innocent people.