Day 4: Things I'll Never Forget About Lori

The Way She Did The Robot Dance With Our Dogs!

No explanation necessary, and no photo available. Sorry... you'll just have to use your imagination :)

Day 3: Things I'll Never Forget About Lori

Lori Loves Goats!

Actually, we both love goats... every year, Lori & I went to the California State Fair (it was the site of our first real date,) but the petting zoo was always our favorite exhibit.

Yeah, we liked the petting zoo even more than the funnel cakes, and Lori reallllly liked those funnel cakes.

The petting zoo is always full of fat little goats, baby pigs, sheep and the like, and one year they even had a tiny little zebra and a baby kangaroo.

Anyway, Lori always dreamt that someday we'd own some real land and we could have at least a few goats... you know, to keep the lawn nice and short and drive the dogs crazy.

Someday I still hope to have those goats for Lori, even if she never gets to pet them in person. It would the be the least I could do.

Day 2: Things I'll Never Forget About Lori

Our One Year Anniversary!

In October of 2003 Lori & I spent our One Year Anniversary on the Big Island of Hawaii... we fell in love with each other all over again, and it marked the beginning of our life-long love of Whale Crossing as well.

Our friends Stephen & Kriseda were kind enough to loan us their lovely little cottage in Hawi (a small town on the Northern tip of the island,) and we found it to be a very welcome respite from the anxiety and frustration that cancer had so unapologetically brought into our lives.

We had just an incredible time that year---the list of adventures we got into goes on and on. It was on this first trip that we swam with dolphins at the Hilton (he was a youngster named Liko,) swam with sea turtles in various places around the island, and chased a morey eel while snorkeling off of the Captain Cook Monument at Kealakekua Bay.

Lori fell in love with the horse that lived in the lot right next to Whale Crossing, and she would sneak over there day and night and feed him apples by hand. We spent the whole two weeks believing his name was Humphrey, but it turned out that wasn't his name at all... it suited him well though.

We also managed to take at least two wonderful horseback rides in the Kohala Hills, with the magical "sunset ride" being particularly spectacular and romantic.

The photo above was taken on the actual evening of our First Anniversary, October 6th, 2003. We had an immaculate dinner at a fancy Italian restaurant on the grounds of the Hilton Waikaloa, and our dessert was this darling cheesecake with a chocolate mouse perched on top.

After dinner we took a long walk around the grounds (which were huge!) and had fun posing with the various statues, meandering by torch-light, and just generally basking in each other's company.

In the years afterward, Lori always had a funny habit of accidentally using the word "Honeymoon" when what she really meant to say was "Anniversary."

So, we had five incredible Honeymoons together, and I cherish each and every one of them... I only wish I could relive them over and over again.

I love you Lori!

Day 1: Things I'll Never Forget About Lori

Her Amazing Smile!

Recently I was lucky enough to come across this photo that I'd never even seen before, from our trip to the Big Island in March of 2006.

It's a self-portrait that my dear wife took while lying on one of the lounge chairs out in front of Whale Crossing, in the tiny town of Hawi.

We would spend hours on those lounge chairs, just staring out across the big blue expanse of the Pacific Ocean... watching the clouds form into great billowy thunderheads over Maui (just across the straight,) or dreaming our way through the uncountable stars that fill the Polynesian sky at night.

This photo so captures Lori's immense pleasure and curiosity at just being alive, and it illustrates to me the healing power of a smile... while I can't help crying every time I see this photo, they are inevitably the kind of tears that leave you feeling cleaned-out, refreshed, and happy to be alive. Just like Lori was on the day she took this amazing photo.

I will never forget Lori's amazing smile... it will haunt me in the best of ways throughout the rest of my days.

Happy 32nd, baby!

365 Days: The Lori Miller Memorial Project

So, in keeping with Lori's wishes for this blog (for it to be both a source of support, and also a creative outlet for those in need of healing,) I've decided it would be only proper to to do some of my own public grieving right here on Too Sexy For My Hair.

With today being Lori's 32nd Birthday, I feel it's the perfect time for me to kick off my year-long Lori Miller Memorial Project––what I expect to be a daily remembrance of my dear wife, and all that she means to me.

Some entries may be short, while others may be long-winded; some with photos, some without... in the end, my simple wish is to publicly honor this amazing woman for all that she was, all that she gave to myself and others, and all the adventures she managed to get herself into and out of––always with perfect grace.

Happy Birthday Sweetpea,
Your Loving Husband, Cary

P.S. For those wishing to keep up on what's going on with me personally, you're welcome to visit me at www.carymiller.net, though I warn you, it isn't going to be pretty ;)

Epilogue: A Few Words Worth Saying

Hi Friends,

First off I'd like to say Thank You so, so much for all of your heart-felt words of kindness and support... they have meant the world to me, my family, and to the rest of Lori's loyal readers who have come here for healing in this time of great pain.

I guess I felt the need to write an "Epilogue" of sorts, because in reading through the many comments left on this blog over the last few months, and also the many blog posts that others have written in response to Lori's passing, I have come to realize that there are many misconceptions about Lori's death that should probably be cleared up.

As they say, "the truth shall set you free."

Anyone who was a regular reader of Too Sexy For My Hair will have undoubtedly noticed that Lori wasn't particularly regular in her posting. She often let long months slide by before she felt a need to write anything, and while some of you have now speculated that Lori's relative blog-silence over the Summer must have been due to the fact that she was becoming progressively sicker, nothing could be farther from the truth.

If anything, Lori was feeling so high in spirits over the Summer that she actively decided to spend less time thinking (and writing) about cancer, and more time out living her life: in Lori's case that meant soaking up sun in our backyard, hours of enjoyment spent gardening and pruning, whole afternoons at the local Michael's & JoAnn's stores picking up fun stuff for the various crafts she was working on, and plenty of day trips out of town on the weekends.

In fact, up until two weeks before her passing things were looking pretty damned peachy; that was when, during a week-long trip to the ICU, I was told by no less than three doctors that Lori would never walk out of the hospital alive... obviously, they had no idea who they were talking about ;)

We did eventually get home, and Lori was in good spirits (more shopping, good food, and even gardening,) but within nine or ten days it was apparent to me that my wife's liver, which had withstood innumerable toxic attacks during five years of hard chemotherapy, simply couldn't take it any more.

Lori began to sleep more and more throughout the day and night, and finally, on the morning of October 27th, 2007, she simply slipped away. She was at home, as had been her wish, surrounded by her loved ones 24-hours a day, and of course bathed in the slobbery kisses of her three crazy dogs.

That was it. No anxiety, no fear, and no unbearable pain (except, of course, for those of us who were left behind.)

I hope this will help set a few minds at ease.

Bless you all,
--Cary
www.carymiller.net