Day 19: Things I'll Never Forget About Lori

Her Gorgeous Green Eyes...

If I had a magical photograph that could somehow capture the sparkling depth of my dear wife's eyes I would gladly share it with you. But alas I don't.

Luckily for me, the image is forever embedded in my memory, right next to the delicate sound of her voice, the divine scent of her skin, and the sublime softness of her hands upon mine.

Lori's gorgeous green eyes lit up my life in a way I have yet to completely comprehend. They peered deep into my soul, and much to my surprise, they liked what they saw.

Loved it in fact.

I don't know why I deserved such luck, but I am glad to have been the recipient of such a perfect, and unending love.

Across the dimensions of time and space, life and death, love and loss... I can still see the spark of Lori's eyes, and it still warms the very depths of my heart.

I love you , sweetpea.

Day 18: Things I'll Never Forget About Lori

Swimming With Dolphins!

As we planned for our One Year Anniversary on the Big Island of Hawaii, there was one thing Lori knew for sure––she wanted to swim with dolphins.

Because of her illness, we had no idea whether we would get another chance to do this in the future, so instead of risking one of the many "guided dolphin boats" in Hawaii (these are the good folks who take you out on a boat in the hopes of finding a pod of dolphins to swim with––but with no guarantees!) we chose the safer route: a dolphin encounter at the Hilton Waikoloa.

No, it wasn't very politically correct––the dolphins are in captivity after all––but having just survived her first year of hard chemo, it was important to both of us that Lori get exactly what she wanted and deserved... some quality time with a sweet dolphin.

The Hilton didn't let us down.

While these dolphins may indeed be in captivity (heck, bottlenose dolphins don't even naturally visit the waters around Hawaii,) upon checking into our room, and wandering down to the dolphin area, we were relieved to find the animals full of life, playing in their huge underwater lagoon, and looking healthy and strong.

There was even a mother giving birth.

Now, this wasn't a cheap experience (I think we paid $150 each for the privilege,) but when the big day came (yep, you have to make reservations at least weeks in advance, and more likely even months,) we weren't let down.

Our dolphin––a young and rambunctious little guy named Liko––brought tears to our eyes, had us laughing like children, and generally showed us a great time.

We got to swim with him (sort of!) play with him, feel his wonderfully warm skin, and even kiss him on the snout. He in turn showed off his prowess at "standing" on his tail, dashing across the lagoon at blinding speeds, and doing all sorts of other tricks.

Oh yeah, and we got to hand-feed him fish, to thank him for his hard work.

The small amount of time we spent with our friend Liko meant more to us than you could ever guess––over the four years that followed, his name came up more often than you'd guess, and the photos we had taken with Liko are still some of our dearest treasures (I'll share more of them with you at a later date.)

Lori felt absolutely transcendent that day.

And to this day I feel blessed to have played even a small role in making that long-held dream of hers come true.

Lori, if you're reading this, you made so many of my own dreams come true... arranging for you to swim with Liko was the least that I could do.

I only wish I could have done more.

Day 17: Things I'll Never Forget About Lori

Her Amazing Sense Of Humor: Exhibit B

On one of the last nights of our Honeymoon in Maui Lori and I attended our first-ever Luau.

While many of these events are known to be pretty cheesy, we had a really incredible time... of course, we were madly in love, just married a week before, and not only was the setting gorgeous, but the drinks were pretty strong to boot!

The show itself was fantastic, with music and dances from all over Polynesia, and besides the half-naked Fijian dancing girls, the best part of the show was probably the Fire Dancer.

If you've ever seen one of these guys do his thing---tossing those flaming clubs around without ever breaking a sweat---than you know what I mean.

The food, too was fantastic––kalua pork, salmon, roasted taro, the whole shebang.

Of course, Lori's sense of humor was in full swing (as it usually was,) and before the dancers and other performers could get away at the end of the night, she insisted that I get my picture taken with the "Coconut Girls," as we jokingly referred to them, and of course she would get her picture taken with the "Fire Dancer."

Now, if you don't know me well, you're probably not aware that I'm incredibly shy, but hey, it was all in fun, and Lori had a good time teasing me until I finally agreed to pose with the two cute dancing girls with their tiny coconut bras.

Lori's amazing, and all-pervading sense of humor is something that I miss every day as I get used to living my life without her by my side... photos like these have turned so bitter sweet, and while it is fun to remember these wonderful, silly times, it also breaks my heart with each word I write.

I miss you, baby...

Day 16: Things I'll Never Forget About Lori

Her Cute Little Toes!

Lori always said she was the luckiest wife in the world... not just because she'd found a loving, studly husband ;) but because I loved to massage her feet and toes while she stretched out on the couch at the end of the day.

I knew her legs and feet hurt from the chemo, and I knew that anything I could do to help relieve her stress and anxiety would always be much appreciated---but mostly I just loved to be close to her whenever possible, and a foot rub was a very good excuse to do just that.

This photo was taken in the San Francisco International Airport (SFO,) while Lori and I and the other six maniacs we were traveling with were waiting for our plane to Japan, in the Spring of 2004.

Having been on hard chemo for just over a year at this point, Lori took every chance she got to catch a few Zzzzz's, as they say.

I love the way she managed to fit right under the armrests... I think she slept like that for at least an hour.

Anyways, Lori always kept her toes painted pretty---usually purple or maroon---and she was the envy of the Chemo Suite, because I would attend her treatments with her whenever possible (probably a good 95% of the time,) and I'd rub her feet and toes while she received her drugs.

Lori had the cutest little toes, and I miss them terribly now, along with just about every other part of her.

I carry her in my heart now, where I can keep a close eye on her, and make sure she's always OK, but I haven't found a way to keep rubbing her toes...

Maybe in my dreams.

Day 15: Things I'll Never Forget About Lori

Driving The Road To Hana

Anyone who's ever been to Maui knows about the famous "Road to Hana."

It's a long, almost unbelievably lush drive from the dry side of the island (where the big resorts are––we were staying at the Marriott for our Honeymoon,) over to the beautiful wet side of the island and the tiny town of Hana.

For some reason we put off doing the drive until the end of our trip (I suppose we were too busy having fun on the beach, and snuggling in our room,) and on the day we actually made the drive it was raining all over Maui.

Of course, the rain didn't make a damned bit of difference, seeing as how we were driving through rainforest anyway, and the rain that was coming down was warm and luscious.

We must have stopped at some 15 waterfalls along the drive---always stopping to take a picture---and they were all raging in torrents due to the rain.

The road to Hana is also known for its amazing number of bridges, and we stopped at most of these as well... Lori has always been in love with old bridges, and we took our time exploring these beauties as we made the long slow trek to Hana.

In Hana we saw the famous black sand beach, and took some photos of the graveyard there, and a funny cow that was chained up in a vacant lot right by the ocean. We walked along the ragged cliffs, and held hands, and did all kinds of exploring.

Since we were driving a Jeep 4x4 (a tradition we started on our honeymoon, and kept up EVERY time we visited Hawaii,) we decided to skip the warnings about washed out roads and such, and finished the drive by continuing to circumnavigate the island (HIGHLY UNRECOMMENDED BY THE RENTAL COMPANIES.)

The road was certainly a bit washed out in places, and we did a few minor river and creek crossings, but over all it was no big problem.

That sparsely inhabited back side of the island was a pleasure to drive through, and though we didn't know it then, as we drove along that coast we spent hours staring across the straight to the North Tip of The Big Island, where we would ultimately take three wonderful trips to Whale Crossing.

In fact later, whenever we visited Whale Crossing, we would stare back across that straight and reminisce about that wonderfully romantic day we circumnavigated Maui on our Honeymoon.

Unfortunately, due to the diagnosis of cancer that would come just a month later, those days on Maui were some of the few that Lori and I got to spend as true "Newlyweds."

Never before, and never again, would either of us be that completely happy, innocent, and filled with the possibilities of what our lives might hold.

It is a time I will cherish for as long as I exist, and into the hereafter as well.

In the five amazing years that we were married we did, however, learn to love each more passionately and deeply than either of us could have imagined in even those heady days of our Honeymoon.

I love you and miss you with all my heart, sweetpea.

Day 14: Things I'll Never Forget About Lori

The FIRST Time She Said She'd Marry Me

It must have been early October of 2001. Lori and I drove over to the city (San Francisco) after I got off work one night, and had a fancy dinner at out favorite restaurant, the Fog City Diner.

The food was delicious, as always, and by the time dinner was over it was getting late, but we were high on our new-found love, and we decided to drive over to the coast to watch the ocean by moonlight.

We stopped near the Cliff House, in the parking lot for the old Sutro Baths (which are now in ruins,) and stepped out of the car into one of the most dreadfully cold evenings I can imagine. We huddled together to share our warmth, but even the heat of our two bodies couldn't compete against the winter ocean air at night, and the dampening fog that threatened to engulf us.

We'd been joking about tying the knot all night, in the way that you sometimes do when you are freshly in love, but when we jumped back in the car to escape the damp and cold, the conversation suddenly turned a bit more serious.

I don't remember exactly what she said that prompted it, but I do remember very clearly turning to her in the front seat of the Honda Civic, and saying "If I asked you to marry me, would you say yes?"

She smiled, and then laughed.

"Of course I would," she said. "I would love to be your wife!"

I was floored.

"Wow... you really WOULD marry me, wouldn't you?"

Lori just smiled.

On the long drive home, Lori slept in the passenger seat, while I pondered where this was all going. I simply couldn't believe that this stunningly beautiful, warm, intelligent, and oh-so-sweet & kind woman would be silly enough to fall in love with me---let alone want to marry me.

Within days we began looking for a ring...

Day 13: Things I'll Never Forget About Lori

Her Lust For Life!

In spite of her grim prognosis, Lori never stopped living life to its fullest, and for that I will be forever grateful.

She could have easily given up when she was diagnosed with stage IV cancer (gawd knows I wanted to at times,) but instead she grabbed her life by the horns and rode it for all it was worth.

I absolutely adore this photo.

It was taken during an impromptu trip to Lake Tahoe, where we stayed at a funky little red hotel, played the slots at one of the casinos, and did lots of hiking, and of course mountain biking.

Lori had the camera that my father had recently given her, and we took photos everywhere we went.

As always, in spite of not feeling the greatest, and in spite of the underlying anxiety of cancer that always followed us around––we had an incredible time that weekend. I remember basking in each other's company, taking a long stroll in the summer mountain evening, and eating ice cream somewhere near the State Line.

Most of all I remember cherishing this wonderful slice of time with my one true love.

Missing you, baby!
--Cary

Day 12: Things I'll Never Forget About Lori

Her Delicious Chorizo & Potato Enchiladas!

Lori was of Mexican/American descent, and while she was a great cook all-around, her Mexican fare was superb... even when exceedingly simple.

She always complained that she had never mastered her family's famous Tamale recipe, but it was her Chorizo & Papas enchiladas that truly won my heart.

I can remember the very first time she made them for me, in the little apartment she shared with her brother on R. Street––back when we'd just started dating.

Those times were absolutely magical, and I can remember being so incredibly touched that this beautiful young woman wanted to make dinner for me... I wasn't at all let down when I dug into those amazing, sour cream drenched enchiladas.

I'm sorry now, that I don't have that recipe... it would do me a world of good to be able to cook some of those hot little beauties up when I need a bit comforting in the cold lonely winter that lies before me.

I Love You Lori!

UPDATE: This story gets better and better...

Day 11: Things I'll Never Forget About Lori

Her Constant Companionship

There is no doubt that Lori had a way of making me feel loved and appreciated like no one had ever done before, but I think what I miss the most about her right now is just her constant and complete companionship.

Through every up and down of our lives together I never once felt I had to go it alone. She showered me with undying devotion, and I, in turn, did the same to her.

We shared the rare love that goes unquestioned. The rare marriage untarnished by petty arguments. The rare peace that is completely untouched by anger.

Ours was a relationship of sincere respect, adoration, and sublime sweetness of heart.

Lori's constancy in my life; her physical presence when I crawled out of bed in the morning, her phone calls "just to say I love you" during the day, and the warmth of her body next to mine while we snuggled on the couch every evening are all things that I am struggling hard to come to terms with as they haunt me with each passing day.

The memories remain both enticingly sweet in their content, and decidedly melancholy with the constant marching of time.

Giving To Those Less Fortunate, In Lori's Name

Well, Christmas is coming upon us fast, and as difficult as it will be for people like myself who have recently lost a loved one, the need to help those less fortunate still weighs heavy on my mind.

Those of you who knew Lori will be well aware that she was beyond compassionate––even in her darkest hour she continually found other people to worry about... the homeless, the poor, the sick, the mentally ill.

Anyway, in honoring my wife's truly giving spirit, I have decided to keep up with our recent tradition of helping others around the globe via great organizations such as Heifer International, and Kiva.org.

Most of you will probably know about Heifer––and I'll certainly be making some donations to them in Lori's name this year (and for many years to come, to be honest)––but you may not have heard about Kiva.

Kiva.org is a small non-profit that brings together entrepreneurial-minded people in the third-world with folks like you and me who are happy to make small loans in order to help someone on the other side of the globe get their business up and running.

The idea of microfinance (as it has been termed,) is one that really appealed to Lori and I when we first saw a documentary about it last year, and in keeping with the Holiday spirit, I have set up an account with Kiva.org to make some small loans in Lori's name.

In fact this afternoon I made four small loans in the sum of $25 each (the loans get pooled with the funds of others,) and also built a small memorial page where you can see that the loans were made in memory of Lori.

If you'd like to make a small loan yourself, please do so by following this link––it won't change your loan in any way, but will make it easy for us to track how many people chose to make loans due to this blog post, and in memory of my dear Lori.

Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays Everyone!

C.

Day 10: Things I'll Never Forget About Lori

Her Incredible Sense Of Humor:
Exhibit A

There is no doubt that Lori's incredible sense of humor was one of the first things that really attracted me to her... well, that and the fact that she was drop-dead gorgeous.

Everywhere we went, everything we did together, even slogging it through another round of chemo, Lori never ceased to make me laugh, giggle, or downright roll on the floor.

We poked fun at her doctors, did silly dances, and continually found way to coax humor out of things that others would just find macabre.

We shot this amazing photo at the famous Place of Refuge State Park on Hawaii's Big Island. I think it perfectly captures Lori's unshakable spirit of silliness, and also stands as a good reminder that even a cancer patient can look smokin' hot in a little black dress ;)

Day 9: Things I'll Never Forget About Lori

Her Love Of Nature

Lori gravitated towards all places wild and natural, be they the deep Redwood Forests, the Grand Canyon, the desolate and beautiful Desert of Death Valley, or the wild Northern Coast of California.

It was one of the shared interests that brought us so close together, and in our six years we had more than a few adventures in the wild.

We spent endless afternoons on the massive beaches at Point Reyes (dogs running wild in the surf,) hiked the Redwood forests up near Pine Cove along Hwy 1 (even doing Qigong on a beautiful babbling brook beneath the trees,) and whiled away numerous summer days exploring and lounging along the South Fork of the Yuba River up in Nevada County.

Last year, as part of our 4th Anniversary, we spent a few lovely nights in Las Vegas, and then drove home across the magnificent Death Valley... when we found every hotel closed for miles along the Sierras we bought a few thin blankets from a Wal-Mart that was just about to close, and just hunkered down in our rented Lincoln Towncar––next to a mountain lake, and under a sky full of freezing stars.

In the morning we drove to Mono Lake to watch the sunrise (which was just spectacular,) and later that day, exhausted and dirty from our long night in the car, we trekked out to the ghost town of Bodie and took photographs for hours.

Lori was a helluva' sport. I will always remember her adventurous spirit. I know she'll always be there, keeping me safe, and cheering me on as I travel towards the next big adventure around the corner.

I love you Lori!

Day 8: Things I'll Never Forget About Lori

The Sound Of Her Voice

For the first four weeks after her passing I couldn't bring myself to delete the outgoing message on our phone's message machine. I simply couldn't bear the thought of playing ANY role in removing a part of Lori from my life... even a 10-second recorded message.

Thank gawd for my father, who figured out how to use Skype to make a recording of our phone message so that I could stash it away for safe-keeping.

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't worried about forgetting the sound of her voice... I just couldn't take an active part in deleting it from my world.

Anyway, I will never forget the sound of my dear wife's voice. It comforted me through so many dark days, and whispered more "I Love You"s than I could possibly count... and for that, once again, I owe her the world.

Day 7: Things I'll Never Forget About Lori

Her Love Of Horses

While I had enjoyed horseback-riding occasionally before I met my wife, it was Lori who really helped me appreciate the larger-than-life loving nature of horses.

Lori loved horses of all shapes and sizes, and while we were traveling would often stop the car to get out and pet or feed a penned horse that had come close to the fence... in fact on our last trip to Hawaii she nearly stepped out of our Jeep to try to approach two wild horses we came across in Waipio Valley.

I managed to convince her that it might not be the safest thing to do, but had I not been there to stop her she most assuredly would have been out there in the jungle, petting those amazing creatures.

Who knows, perhaps I shouldn't have stopped her––but she was already weak, and had the horses become spooked she could have easily gotten hurt.

Lori and I rode horseback all over Maui & the Big Island, not to mention right here in California, and we always had an incredible time. One year for her birthday I took Lori for a private horseback ride through the mountains just south of Point Reyes... the rainforest there was lush and green, and our guide was full of great stories about the area.

I will never forget ANY of our rides, as each one had a completely different feel. On the Big Island we came across three baby cows who had escaped from their herd and were trying desperately to get back inside the fence where they belonged.

On Maui we rode down into the crater of Haleakala, and it scared the bejeezus out of both of us... but it was still lots of fun :)

In fact, Lori loved these animals so much that she asked me to spread part of her ashes with the beloved horses (and also the dolphins) that she spent so much time with on the Big Island of Hawaii.

While she never explained exactly what that meant, I imagine taking half of her ashes up into the Kohala Mountains on the Northern-most tip of the Big Island, out into those huge green pastures overlooking the Pacific Ocean, and letting her ashes drift lazily across the fields of grass.

That way she can run with the horses every single day, for the rest of eternity, and I can rest in peace knowing that I have fulfilled her very final wish...

Day 6: Things I'll Never Forget About Lori

How Beautiful She Looked Walking Down The Aisle

On October 6th, 2002, Lori and I were wed in a small white church in Nevada City, California. It was early Autumn, the sky was blue with puffy white clouds, and both of us were as happy as we would ever again be during this lifetime.

While I had been smitten by Lori's good looks from the very first time I saw her––making espresso drinks behind the counter at Coffee Works––on our wedding day, standing nervously at the altar, I couldn't believe the angel I saw walking down the aisle to forever join her life with mine.

Lori, of course, was stunningly beautiful in both body and spirit––something I would learn over and over again throughout our five years of marriage––but on our wedding day she simply took my breath away... I couldn't fathom that a creature as exquisite as she would choose to spend her life with a man as unextraordinary as myself.

Of course, in the end Lori and I would discover, through each other, that we both deserved all the love in the world... and who better to supply that love than us.

Day 5: Things I'll Never Forget About Lori

The Way She Made Me Feel Loved

More than anyone who came before her, and undoubtedly more than anyone who could possibly come after, Lori never ceased to make me feel loved.

Unconditionally.

Without restraint.

And for all time.

For this alone I owe her the largest debt of gratitude that could ever be paid. The gift of real, honest, all the way down to the bones LOVE is one you will never forget, no matter how many years pass, or how many miles lie between.

From the moment we began dating, until the last days of our time together on this planet, no matter where we went Lori always had to take numerous pictures of the two of us together.

If you continue to follow this year-long tribute to Lori you will see many of these photos, the vast majority of which were taken by one of us, just holding the camera out in front of us no matter where we were, and snapping a photo to remind us of who we were, where we'd been, and who we were with... each other!

If I survive the pain I am going through now it will only be because of the sheer amount of love that Lori gave to me over the last six years... it was enough to last a lifetime, and for a lifetime and beyond I will be forever in her debt.

I love you so, so much Lori... I will never, ever forget you... you are my everything...